Like a Flame

DSC_0547Today started off great.  I totally fooled my boyfriend with a fake pregnancy scare.  Now, this might sound needlessly mean, but come on, it’s April fool’s day!  His sheer horror lasted only a few seconds before I burst out laughing.  He is my best friend and partner for life and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

The other day, I realized that I am controlling in a way in our relationship.  I tend to force my obsessions and routines onto my boyfriend as a way to “ensure” that he too won’t get sick and then bring something into our home.  Reading this now, I realize how ridiculous this is.  I know when I’m doing it, but I can’t help it.  Every time I catch him putting his hands near his face or eating something after touching something that I deem “contaminated,” I tell him not to do that.  I hate myself for being this way, but in the moment it makes me feel better to have that scrap of control.

I know how much of a toll my OCD takes on my boyfriend.  He does so much for me.  He is loving and supportive and I doubt I’d be where I am today without him.

While I was thinking about my controlling behavior and what it could potentially be doing to our relationship, I decided to write a poem.  To me, this poem is a lot about give and take in a relationship and loving one another through thick and thin.  I think it illustrates how well my boyfriend and I compliment each other.  Enjoy 🙂

“Like a Flame”

Love needs air to thrive,

something to grasp,

to grow.

Letting go,

allowing the fire to breathe is the hardest part.

I keep you from you.

I am the brass that kills the flame,

the smotherer of light.

I step back and see us for who we are.

We are one and two,

separate and whole.

You are not me.

Keeping the fire going takes patience,

understanding of how the fire moves,

how it grows or dies,

and grows again,

brighter than ever.

You are the steady hand to the wick,

bringing a flame on a match.

I am the brass,

cold and dark.

I kill the light.

Without your calm,

I am anxious.

Without your wisdom,

I am ignorant.

Without you,

there’s no me.

I step back,

trust you,

and let the flame grow.

-M

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199 thoughts on “Like a Flame

  1. I can relate to this, i enforce my so called ‘rules’ onto my partner. ‘Did you wash your hands’ is a common phrase in my house. It must drive him up the wall!

    1. It’s the same way in my home, but it just bugs me when someone doesn’t wash their hands before eating! That’s a bad habit anyway 🙂

  2. Ohhhh ( day dreaming) lovely poem! Poor boyfriend of yours ( jokes aside) I wish I could have seen his face, next time take a pic 😛 ( kodak moment) xxx

  3. I am the brass that kills the flame, very nice : ) line
    I recently wrote a poem about an incident I witnessed in which I believe the man had OCD. As I thought about his behavior it seemed a very symbolic act. Do you have any comment on that idea? here is a link if you would like to read the poem, contrary warriors
    http://vsvevg.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/2599napowrimo/
    thank you for spending time at vsvevg, paz abby

    1. I think it’s very possible that he had OCD because of the pattern of his gait, but I couldn’t say for sure. There may have been something else going on that we could never know about. Your poem is so deep and well written. I can see the man with the can quite vividly.

      1. so glad, it was hard to write, such a strange vision, and I wanted others to see him too, I hope he feels as important and symbolic I as felt about him, paz, abby

    1. I’ve thought a bit about making a page of just my poetry, but I also like how to vary what I post on my blog in general, so poetry is a good way to do that 🙂

  4. I catch your drift – the way how you write certainly describes the way you think. I could even imagine you recounting the details of your life fast forward with a warm smile and uncontained energy. I enjoyed it the first line and i stopped reading to bookmark your blog. Looks like this post seemed as if it just flowed naturally. Really Good! Will read your poem on another time. Was able to only read the first few paragraphs before the poem. Good Work! As long as the one you are giving it to understands it then all is good. “All Is Well” – what a blessing that i found your blog. 😀

    1. 🙂 I think my writing does have a lot of my voice in it. I literally write how I speak, well with appropriate grammar inserted. 😉 I’m so grateful that you found my blog too 😀

      1. hmm..*an abrupt hmm..” i’m amused. didn;t matter much with the content, *laughs, but i really could see your energy and personality in your writing. It just flowed. love it! 😀 😀 😀

        @ “I literally write how i speak” – ditto, i’m thinking that you’re the type of person who is so amiable, jolly and having a ready smile. I’d think often that you get some certain type of people as friends at first sight, and it would seem as if you’re known them for a long time…but it was only a few minutes that had passed since you met them and people DO THINK that you’ve been best friends with them, right?

        thumbs up 😀 😀 😀

  5. Relationships are tough. This poem is a good guide on how to be successfully committed, but I would suggest keep hand sanitizer around so you might not worry so much. Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking it.

  6. I thought about using that same joke, but as it’s something I freak out about constantly (for no real reason), I realised I didn’t want to tempt fate. Hehe~

  7. Beautiful poem and funny prank – at least you only let him sweat for a few seconds! But what if he was then disappointed…?!
    I can only imagine what it must be like to suffer from OCD, the nearest I’ve ever come was wanting to control my daughters exposure to dirt and germs, thinking about partners unwashed hands etc and only years later making myself stop breathe deeply and let it go… I still have to do this sometimes when guests walk into my home and I worry that they may have dog dirt on their shoes…

  8. Your poem is beautifully written and very insightful. Insight is what I usually lacked, or didn’t stop to see, in the stories of my 1950 memories. And thank you for liking my post ‘Visiting Planet Earth.’ Much appreciated. I, too, love a good prank. Especially if I’m the one doing and not the one getting.

  9. Love your poem – you have a great blog! 🙂 I have a friend with OCD and my son, who has Autism, also struggles with OCD. He is non-verbal (12 yrs old) so it is hard to know what he is going through since it is difficult for him to communicate.
    The prank was great too …. I always thought that’d be a fun April Fools trick to play! 🙂

  10. I have been at the receiving end of this prank, not once, but TWICE. I freaked the first time, but the second time I was like, “Its ok, whatever happens, we’ll face it together.”.
    Perfect answer for my lady, and she melted :).

    Very cute picture, and wish you both the very best.

    1. 😉 Thank you for saying that. I think it’s one of our best together.

      I’ve tried this prank on him several times and every time I get him. It’s mean, but he’s just so gullible!

  11. My woman is a very good 1 for playing a lot with my mind. She is so happy & takes care of me through thick & thin. I hope you got to read them as well because she has gone through a lot of hell with me which just brings us closer together. We have known each other for about 6 1/2 years & won’t take no other. She is the true flame for me & I am her true flame as well. I am the air that keeps the flame going for us even when we both are pissed at each other. She always comes back & I do the same when I know I have done wrong to her. We have such a great relationship & I love your poem of the flame which reminds me too of a rage I had when I was about 20 years younger than now. There was a bonfire you might say! It is so nice to know how you deal with OCD because my brother has to deal with fibromyalgia & manic depression from the pain he has even when he takes meds for his ailments. There’s something to deal with. You are an inspiration too. Thanks!

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