This past weekend, I went back to my hometown for a high school friends reunion of sorts. It was actually a Mary Kay party turned reunion, but it was fun. I had to keep as quiet as I could about how uncomfortable I was putting new products on my face. I didn’t actually know that this was going to be a Mary Kay party, meaning I didn’t know that I was going to have to have a Mary Kay “makeover.” Anyway, I had to “wash” my face with the MK face wash, which I did by wiping off my face with a damp cloth and then “washing” with the face wash. I put “wash” in quotations because I didn’t feel like my makeup was washed off AT all. Then, I had to put some mysterious lotion on my face and then on top of that I put on the sample makeup from the MK lady. I felt like I didn’t get my original makeup off, so I just layered even more makeup and lotion on top of that. My face felt horrible by the time I got home.
One thing I’ve never mentioned is my obsession with keeping my face acne free. Yes, this is about my OCD, AGAIN. I’ve never had acne before, a few blemishes here and there when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, my obsession with anti-aging and beauty has heightened. I don’t know why this is. I think it all was triggered by the sight of my first “wrinkle.” My mom tells me it’s a smile line and that everyone has it, but I don’t agree. It’s hideous to me and it’s usually the only thing I see, next to the countless freckles, on my face when I look in the mirror. The picture above is a rare view of me with next to no makeup on. Honestly, I’m hiding the fact that I am extremely uncomfortable (literally) in my own skin. I also feel uncomfortable posting a picture of myself because I have self-esteem issues. It’s a rare day when I’ve heard that I’m beautiful. (I’m the one on the far left in the orange shirt).
I use product after product in hopes that I can fight the clock. My theory is, if I start now, then when I’m older I will still look young. I am obsessed with looking young, and do everything in my power to stop the aging process. I take vitamins like they’re going out of style. Besides my cup of coffee in the morning, I only drink water and I make sure to have at least 80 oz a day. I rarely let my face see the sun. I spend loads of money buying the best products, making sure that everything is hypoallergenic, contains SPF, and claims to be anti-aging in some way. I never, ever touch my face, for this and other reasons.
I’m certain some would be envious of my complexion. I rarely have blemishes or overly oily or dry skin. I care too much about this. There are even certain foods I won’t eat because I’m afraid of what it might do to my skin. It’s a rare day when I eat greasy popcorn, eat a hamburger without cutting it up first, so that it won’t touch my face, particularly my chin. It wasn’t until recently that I got up the courage to eat a piece of fried chicken. Some food makes me feel as though I will instantly get acne on my chin or nose if I even touch it. Even the smell of frying bacon sends me into a cleaning frenzy because of that fear of getting acne simply by the smell in the air.
This is something that I’ve never verbalized before. It’s personal, but something that I felt a need to share.
Thank you again for reading 🙂