Who is the Fairest One of All?

My beauty collection ;)
My beauty collection 😉

This past weekend, I went back to my hometown for a high school friends reunion of sorts.  It was actually a Mary Kay party turned reunion, but it was fun.  I had to keep as quiet as I could about how uncomfortable I was putting new products on my face.  I didn’t actually know that this was going to be a Mary Kay party, meaning I didn’t know that I was going to have to have a Mary Kay “makeover.”  Anyway, I had to “wash” my face with the MK face wash, which I did by wiping off my face with a damp cloth and then “washing” with the face wash.  I put “wash” in quotations because I didn’t feel like my makeup was washed off AT all.  Then, I had to put some mysterious lotion on my face and then on top of that I put on the sample makeup from the MK lady.  I felt like I didn’t get my original makeup off, so I just layered even more makeup and lotion on top of that.  My face felt horrible by the time I got home.

Me, Tiff, and Jess
Me, Tiff, and Jess

One thing I’ve never mentioned is my obsession with keeping my face acne free.  Yes, this is about my OCD, AGAIN.  I’ve never had acne before, a few blemishes here and there when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, my obsession with anti-aging and beauty has heightened.  I don’t know why this is.  I think it all was triggered by the sight of my first “wrinkle.”  My mom tells me it’s a smile line and that everyone has it, but I don’t agree.  It’s hideous to me and it’s usually the only thing I see, next to the countless freckles, on my face when I look in the mirror.  The picture above is a rare view of me with next to no makeup on.  Honestly, I’m hiding the fact that I am extremely uncomfortable (literally) in my own skin.  I also feel uncomfortable posting a picture of myself because I have self-esteem issues.  It’s a rare day when I’ve heard that I’m beautiful. (I’m the one on the far left in the orange shirt).

I use product after product in hopes that I can fight the clock.  My theory is, if I start now, then when I’m older I will still look young.  I am obsessed with looking young, and do everything in my power to stop the aging process.  I take vitamins like they’re going out of style.  Besides my cup of coffee in the morning, I only drink water and I make sure to have at least 80 oz a day.  I rarely let my face see the sun.  I spend loads of money buying the best products, making sure that everything is hypoallergenic, contains SPF, and claims to be anti-aging in some way.  I never, ever touch my face, for this and other reasons.

I’m certain some would be envious of my complexion.  I rarely have blemishes or overly oily or dry skin.  I care too much about this.  There are even certain foods I won’t eat because I’m afraid of what it might do to my skin.  It’s a rare day when I eat greasy popcorn, eat a hamburger without cutting it up first, so that it won’t touch my face, particularly my chin.  It wasn’t until recently that I got up the courage to eat a piece of fried chicken.  Some food makes me feel as though I will instantly get acne on my chin or nose if I even touch it.  Even the smell of frying bacon sends me into a cleaning frenzy because of that fear of getting acne simply by the smell in the air.

This is something that I’ve never verbalized before.  It’s personal, but something that I felt a need to share.

Thank you again for reading 🙂

 

Best,

Megan

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103 thoughts on “Who is the Fairest One of All?

  1. Proud of you again for mastering my our OCD! And I too hate pimples, but they have been with me forever and working of doesn’t help. I just figure I already look old and ugly so it doesn’t matter. You on the other hand are very pretty!

  2. You are very beautiful, Megan. I say that objectively as a woman who also struggles with self-confidence, but also as a gay woman who enjoys looking at attractive women (hopefully you don’t find that creepy, but if a gay guy or straight woman told me I was beautiful my first reaction would be “Yea but you’re not attracted to women so you don’t count”… the things we berate ourselves for!).

    1. Thank you Aurora 🙂 Not creepy at all. Quite flattering in fact. I appreciate that a great deal actually. I always appreciate your honesty. It’s refreshing 🙂

  3. Wow. I can’t believe how beautiful your skin is! I’d never be able to go without makeup 🙂 It must be a very stressful skincare routine for you everyday.

    1. That is such a kind thing to say 🙂 it does get tiresome at times. I often wonder if I would be this way if I lived in a different day and age.

  4. Oil of Olay. The best thing I have ever done. I did start with MK but couldn’t afford it after the 2008. Oil of Olay has literally gotten rid of my crows feet and kept my skin Dewey. But now to deal with the sun/age spots. SMH

  5. Mary Kay isn’t for everyone. They have a handful of good products, but I’m not a fan of their make-up or skin care.

    I’ve been using anti-aging products since I was about 13. I have good genes, so I look a lot younger than I am. Water & religious use of sunscreen are part of my routine as well. Several years ago when my skin started acting up, I bought a Clarisonic Mia. My skin cleared up really quickly with twice daily use. Now I only use it a few times a week. It’s the most amazing way to get your skin clean without destroying it. I try not to have my hands on my face a lot. I also never go to bed without taking my make-up off. The thought just creeps me out.

    1. I’m very picky about my make-up and I wasn’t that impressed with the MK line, but I bought some things that I’m least picky about. I have heard of the Mia and have thought about buying it. Is it a good routine exfoliator?

      1. If my Mia died tomorrow, I’d replace it in a heartbeat. My skin hasn’t felt this good since I was a child. You can feel the difference the first time you use it, it’s a total “Wow!” moment. It helps your skin turn over more quickly, so you’re always looking at new, healthy skin. It’s gentle, you can choose whichever brush head you most feel comfortable with (I switch off between sensitive, delicate, and deep pore cleansing based on the time of year.), and it’s a really easy item to own and maintain. It doesn’t need to be charged very often, even with daily use I was only charging it once every few months. I understand not everyone was as lucky with their Mia on the charging level, but I’m really happy with mine. A year later I bought the full size version which has a brush head for the body, which is really amazing for your legs and feet. I travel with the Mia because it’s so easy to throw in a Hefty One-Zip and take with me, but I also use it at home several days a week. The full size brush isn’t one I’d travel with, but I do love what it’s capable of doing for both face and body. I’m looking forward to getting the handle for the back.

  6. You are beautiful. I have an obsession with beautiful skin and I won’t lie but my money is invested in good skin products. If you want great skin, I don’t see it as a problem…Keep looking great!

    1. Aw, thank you so much! I too have an obsession with good skin products. There is probably a good deal of money sitting on the table in that picture. 🙂

  7. I dont like makeup. it is like putting a mask mon. My man wakes up to the same he goes to bed with. The story of that eight ball turned 9 ball as sson as it was time to get naked. All the girdels and make up off.

    1. 😉 I know what you mean. I take it off as soon as I get home. He doesn’t mind, which I appreciate SO much. Anyway, why should they? They don’t have to wear it!

  8. I’m a sixty-six year old male who has never attended a Mary Kay party. Everyone regrets the appearance of aging, although aging itself brings wisdom and some freedom from self evaluation. I don’t look into a mirror any more than necessary.

    Having OCD, I can empathize with your situation. I recall a saying of my mother’s, “beauty is, as beauty does”. Thanks for sharing.

    Cheers,
    Dennis

  9. I guess that many people have OCD but in a mild form so that they may not even be aware of it’s presence. On leaving my home in the morning I almost invariably go back (sometimes several times) to check that I have locked the front door. On checking I always find that the door is indeed double locked! I also worry about having left electrical equipment turned on and, occasionally go back and check to see if I have.

  10. I am happy with my wrinkles but I do wish more SPF products had been available in my youth. It is lovely that you take such good care of your skin. You are blessed with loveliness in your spirit and your appearance.

    1. It’s funny. I never think that other people look bad with wrinkles. In many cases, it’s quite lovely really. I just obsess with my own looks. You are always too kind 🙂

  11. Hiiii. I’m 25 years old and the other day I got ID’d for a 15 rated film. Ever since I was 13 I’ve moisturised day and night with a vitamin e based moisturiser and washed my face only ever with dove soap. It’s not an attempt to continue looking young it’s just that i have sensitive skin and know better than to try different things once I’ve found a winner. Maybe search for that in your moisturiser? But honestly, looking super young can be awkward. Forget your ID and you’re stuck drinking juice all night!

  12. Not to get too dramatic or scientific here, but the fear of aging is very common and is likely related to our fear of death, our attachment in this culture to youth and the value we place around it. I

    suggest reading a book called the “relaxation response” by Herbert Benson. It may help with the OCD, but it also (in a very readable fashion) demonstrates how entering into the relaxation response prevents the problems with aging at the genetic level (stress does a number on our genetics and these little things called telomeres; the damage to the telomeres leads to our aging process, but if we enter into relaxation daily, we prevent the degradation of telomeres).

    Meanwhile, I saw my first wrinkles 20 years ago in my late 20’s and it is a challenge to accept the aging process.

  13. This is one of the few times I’m glad I have HMS, since we don’t wrinkle! I’d not have the time/patience/money to test out all these products to find what’s best. I hope the party was fun, even if you did end up feeling caked in make-up? Controlling what’s in the products that you put on your face makes absolute sense, and yes, food can make your skin flare up. I got spottier than ever before when I worked in a bakery because I was constantly handling bacon, pasties and sausage rolls.
    Also, your skin is stunning, but so are you.

  14. Megan, I appreciate your honesty in this post. You are beautiful now and I believe you will continue to be beautiful as you get older. I’m happy that you are doing some things like avoiding the sun, taking vitamins, being mindful of what kind of beauty products you use. At the same time, I’m sorry that your obsession causes you to be afraid of even smelling fatty foods. That has to be frustrating for you. It’s one thing to make an effort to maintain healthy skin; it’s another to be terrified of acne or aging. I hope those demons bother you less as time goes on. Since we have no choice but to age, are there any older women who you admire, who you think are beautiful? For example, I think Helen Mirren is stunning and a wonderful example of how older women can still be beautiful and sexy 😉 I’m not thrilled with the extra lines on my face, or the freckles I still have (really, at 55, you’d think they’d be gone by now), but I console myself by finding women who have maintained their beauty, perhaps, become even more beautiful as they’ve gotten older.

    1. Helen Mirren is a gem and has managed to be beautiful her entire life 🙂 Thank you for appreciating this post. Hopefully this fear won’t plague me forever.

  15. You are very beautiful. I have struggled with acne my entire life. I have found it doesn’t matter so much what I eat as what time of the month it is. I only wear foundation because I personally do not like makeup. My daughter thinks I am crazy but I said it is my body and if someone doesn’t like how I look then tough. You seem to be dealing with life in an adventurous manner. I applaud you for this. All it takes is baby steps to get where you are going. Keep writing I love hearing from you! 🙂

  16. Schöne Mädchen!
    (I’m not fluent Megan and I don’t even know if you speak German-I just like to say plain sounding English words in other languages)
    Kelly ♥

      1. I did read in your post about the German heritage part. I just didn’t know if you were fluent. 🙂

        I studied throughout high school and do relief teaching here in Australia in German.

        Tschüss

  17. You have lovely clear skin! I’ve spent so much time and money trying to get rid of my spots. That’s my secret to looking young; I look like a spotty teenager! So I wouldn’t recommend it 😉 I hope you enjoyed your reunion x

  18. That was very brave and polite of you to go through with the surprise make-over. I don’t know if this will feed the OCD, but it seems that whatever you do is working. Or, if you are as young as you look, you won’t know for many years. I mostly neglected my complexion ~except for the Clearsil battles in high school~ until I moved to Florida at 22. After that, SPF every day for 10 years. When I started a new life at 32, I was still passing for 22. I think your foresight and care will serve you well. At 40, the age spots/sun damage (I like to call them freckles) started paying me back for my misspent youth. But without those early burns, who knows? Wrinkles? Meh, everybody gets them. Just remember to smile and not scowl so they are laugh-lines and not angry looking 🙂 It’s a cruel trick that when I finally needed to start wearing glasses, they showed up the crows’ feet that I didn’t even know were there! I’m sure your mother has told you that a smile is the best cosmetic. She’s right. I ran into an old friend who had been very sweet on Face Book, but seemed quite cold and uninterested in person. I was hurt, but carried on. Then I found out she’d probably had botox! No wrinkles, but no expression either. I’ve rambled enough. Thanks for sharing your struggles and triumphs. ~molly

    1. 😉 I think most of my freckles came about after a particularly terribly sun burn when I was a child. I have such fair skin that I think wrinkles are inevitable 😉 I envy you for getting to live in FL! Thanks for your openness 😀

  19. Okay, young lady, first of all, you are very pretty.
    Now, I am glad to see that you admit you have an obsession with your skin.
    I used to suffer horribly from OCD. Since my stroke, it is much better, but going to a counselor also helped.
    Have you considered, perhaps, some therapy to help you not be so concerned?
    Not judging, just asking.
    Scott

    1. Thank you so much Scott 🙂 That’s very kind of you.

      I have thought about going to therapy again and I know there are quite a number of professionals in my area that are highly recommended. I should get on that, but alas, I procrastinate 😉

  20. I think you look amazing!! Even if you don’t feel it. I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with doing those sort of parties too do avoid them at all costs.

    1. Aw, thank you 🙂 I know what you mean. Those parties are uncomfortable and I’ve been to so many! I’ve purchased so many products from them over the years 😉

  21. I like Mary Kay, along with other brands I see in your collection! You are definitely taking care of your complexion and using the better products that are good to use.

  22. Bud you are gorgeous! I guess I should be a little more concerned with skincare… When we are both old, I will look haggard, and you will still be youthful 🙂

  23. Annyeong!
    Wow! U are beautiful though! I hardly ever wear make up, but when I do I look like a completely diff person..
    I would have never guessed that u have barely any makeup on in the pic! You are beautiful!
    And I feel ya on the whole geesy food thing!

  24. I agree wholeheartedly with the food thing, there are some foods that seem to mean instant fat, some that say instant acne. Great writing as always

  25. That is so interesting, because I have the same obsession with things touching my skin (even grease smelling air!) for fear it will cause acne! The difference for me is that I have terrible skin and always have. Merely looking at my face will cause it to erupt into pain and ugly for days!

    But I have that same fixation on things that might make my face more oily or cause more issues. I don’t wear makeup or anything on my face at all. I would have hated that Mary Kay party for exactly those reasons–heavy greasy lotions and foundations would just feel so horrible to me. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable using dermatologist recommended face lotion. I still feel icky about it though!

    One good side about having oily skin (besides becoming a super neat eater, trying to avoid food touching my face) is that I don’t really worry about wrinkles. Either because I don’t have them or because I can’t see them over all my acne scars!

    By the way… I saw your picture and my first thought was, I wish I could be beautiful like her, wow. Self perception is always the worst, huh?

    1. Sorry for my delayed response 😉 I’m so glad someone else has the same fears about their skin! I can’t stand things touching my skin either. Perhaps it all has to do with it being drilled into my head when I was younger, to not touch my face I mean. Other than that, I’m not sure where the fear came from. I was afraid for so long to use face lotion, but now I realize it is actually good for the skin and prevents acne, I use it all the time and feel terrible when I don’t.

      That is very sweet of you 🙂 I agree, I’m my own worst critic. Thank you! You’ve made my day 🙂

  26. Hi Megan! I absolutely loved Cliniques products until I found out they were not cruelty-free! A lot of brands aren’t, it’s so sad. I have been using Dessert Essence as it happens to be cruelty-free and vegan. Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking my Mute(ish) Monday post! I really appreciate it.

  27. Hi Megan, You really are lovely. I hope that it gets easier for you to believe that.
    I rarely wear makeup because I don’t like the feeling of it on my face, I feel like I just fell in a mud puddle and just want to wash it off.
    A makeup party would be my worst nightmare.
    You are beautiful and brave!

    1. Aw, thank you so much! That really means a lot to me. I agree, if I have too much makeup on it’s more uncomfortable than anything. I’d rather wear none 🙂

  28. This was indeed very honest, and a clear description of how your life must be. It sounds like in some ways you don`t want to care so much about your skin, but the compulsion is stronger. But you are a tough one! Would you mind me using this in my blog: http://forfreepsychology.wordpress.com ? Do you have more posts about OCD? I know far too little about it:(

    1. Thank you for asking and for your kind words 🙂 Of course you may use it! I have many posts previously about my experiences w/ OCD. Probably a couple of my favorites are “The Light and the Dark” and “Love in Times of OCD.” I wrote those a few months back. I hope that is of some help to you 🙂

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