The picture of the rose has nothing to do with this post. I just needed something beautiful to look at as a way to hopefully relax a bit. Nature is so peaceful 🙂
Most of you already know this, but I have a phobia of getting physically ill. By that I mean, the action. I can’t even say this stupid word! It starts with a “v” and ends with “ing” and I’ll let you fill in the middle. A lot of my OCD tendencies revolve around me working to avoid this thing.
I DREAD the time when kids go back to school. We all know that schools are basically germ factories. They don’t wash their hands properly and they carelessly put their hands in their mouth, all the while spreading terrible things to each other and to the rest of us. I can’t tell you how much this time of year stresses me out. The rate of illness skyrockets. There have been times when I’ve literally had to just cry because the anxiety was too much to handle.
Having a phobia of this thing means that I avoid it at all costs and that also means that I am constantly looking for it, so that I can avoid it. I notice things that others probably don’t catch on to or even care about. If anyone says, “I don’t feel good” or “my stomach hurts” I instantly start panicking, my palms get sweaty, my hear starts racing, and I look for the nearest exit. I have almost run out of some situations because of this fear. I left class, seemingly casually, when I was in college for fear of catching some illness or just seeing someone get ill. I did this much more than once that’s for sure.
If you’ve never experienced this type of fear before, I can best explain it as a fight or flight response, which is probably something we’ve all learned in biology or at some point in our lives. My emotions are overwhelming at the time. Escaping the thing I fear is the only thing that matters in the moment.
My therapist explained this reaction well. My emotional state outweighs the intellect. Even if I realize that I’m being irrational and I almost always know this, my emotions are so overwhelming that they take precedence over any attempt at rational thinking.
At this point, I go into freaking out, routine mode, meaning I wash my hands excessively. I breathe only through my nose because my lips are so tightly sealed. I grind my teeth to the point that my jaw becomes sore. I hide behind my hair. I rarely talk to anyone. Sometimes, I don’t eat for fear of ingesting something that will make me sick. This was at its worst when I was in high school. I just didn’t eat and I was at my all time lowest weight as an adult, so much so that people teased me about it.
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling! I’m sorry about that. This is exactly my motivation behind taking medication and seeking therapy. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t feel so overtaken by my emotions almost on a daily basis. I need a break from me 🙂
Now I’m going to end it with yet another pretty flower pic!
Thanks for reading,