And So It Begins…Again

Random flower pic I took. It's  a rose, I think.
Random flower pic I took. It’s a rose, I think.

The picture of the rose has nothing to do with this post.  I just needed something beautiful to look at as a way to hopefully relax a bit.  Nature is so peaceful 🙂

Most of you already know this, but I have a phobia of getting physically ill.  By that I mean, the action.  I can’t even say this stupid word!  It starts with a “v” and ends with “ing” and I’ll let you fill in the middle.  A lot of my OCD tendencies revolve around me working to avoid this thing.  

I DREAD the time when kids go back to school. We all know that schools are basically germ factories.  They don’t wash their hands properly and they carelessly put their hands in their mouth, all the while spreading terrible things to each other and to the rest of us.  I can’t tell you how much this time of year stresses me out.  The rate of illness skyrockets.  There have been times when I’ve literally had to just cry because the anxiety was too much to handle.

Having a phobia of this thing means that I avoid it at all costs and that also means that I am constantly looking for it, so that I can avoid it.  I notice things that others probably don’t catch on to or even care about.  If anyone says, “I don’t feel good” or “my stomach hurts” I instantly start panicking, my palms get sweaty, my hear starts racing, and I look for the nearest exit.  I have almost run out of some situations because of this fear.  I left class, seemingly casually, when I was in college for fear of catching some illness or just seeing someone get ill.  I did this much more than once that’s for sure.

If you’ve never experienced this type of fear before, I can best explain it as a fight or flight response, which is probably something we’ve all learned in biology or at some point in our lives.  My emotions are overwhelming at the time.  Escaping the thing I fear is the only thing that matters in the moment.

My therapist explained this reaction well.  My emotional state outweighs the intellect.  Even if I realize that I’m being irrational and I almost always know this, my emotions are so overwhelming that they take precedence over any attempt at rational thinking.

At this point, I go into freaking out, routine mode, meaning I wash my hands excessively.  I breathe only through my nose because my lips are so tightly sealed.  I grind my teeth to the point that my jaw becomes sore.  I hide behind my hair.  I rarely talk to anyone.  Sometimes, I don’t eat for fear of ingesting something that will make me sick.  This was at its worst when I was in high school.  I just didn’t eat and I was at my all time lowest weight as an adult, so much so that people teased me about it.

Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling!  I’m sorry about that.  This is exactly my motivation behind taking medication and seeking therapy.  I can’t live like this anymore.  I can’t feel so overtaken by my emotions almost on a daily basis.  I need a break from me 🙂

Now I’m going to end it with yet another pretty flower pic!

DSC_0005

Thanks for reading,

Megan

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163 thoughts on “And So It Begins…Again

  1. First and foremost, thanks for liking my blog posts, even though they are few and far in between. Now regarding this post, I have never heard of such a fear, glad I don’t have that.

  2. Hi! I have been noticing that you have liked several of my posts at BipolarLessons but I don’t think I have visited you yet! I want to thank you for visiting. Also thank you for your honest and clear explaination of OCD. I don’t have that myself, but I do know what panic attacks and phobias are like.I have been doing better as I had agoraphobia for awhile. But I have not yet been able to get over my fear of stairs.. It isn’t really the stairs themselves but just an extention of my fear of heights that has gotten worse. I haven’t a clue what is behind it because I have never had bad falls. it is maddening and embarrasing. But for regular anxiety I do use a GABA supplement from Source Naturals that dissolves under the tongue. I had a struggle with addiction to tranqulizers so I am staying away from those.

    Anyway good luck with your recovery. Keep working at it because you CAN get better!

    Mary

    1. Thank you for visiting Mary and introducing yourself 🙂 I have heard of GABA before, but wasn’t sure of what it’s for. I am going to look into getting some from Swansons. I love that site and have found many great naturally-based products there. I hope you are doing well and that your anxiety gets a little better each day.
      Megan

      1. You’re definitely not alone. It’s definitely not the easiest thing to deal with. I find mine has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Wish it was the opposite. 😦

  3. What a wonderful expression of your struggle. I wish you continued success and triumph over OCD. I am fully aware of your challenges. Thanks for visiting and liking my blog Straight, No Chaser, and I look forward to your future writings.

  4. I lived in Japan where it is common for people to wear protective masks. These are like what doctors and nurses wear. There is even a fashion mask company called VogMask. Disclaimer: I know the owners. I suggest you try out a mask. It brings some real protection but also can calm anxieties about catching anything. You are brave enough to blog about this problem, I guess you’re brave enough to don a mask. In any case, I wish you well.

    1. I most definitely would don a mask 😉 I’ve seen people wearing them here actually and, although I found it dorky, am not against the idea of using them.

  5. I totally share this fear with you – and I have several others, too. I love the way you right, it’s so exactly perfectly explaining how it feels to be so terrifyingly afraid of something – even if it’s an irrational fear.

  6. I’m so sorry you struggle with this, Megan. I think each of us have challenges we just can’t overcome on our own – some more daunting than others. It may sound trite, but I do believe that your biggest need can become your biggest blessing when it drives you to depend on God who is the only One powerful enough to equip us to slay these “dragons”. Press on!

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