For the last couple of days, I’ve been MIA on my blog, for really one reason only. I hate to admit it, but I’ve become obsessed with a game; the Sims 3. This game is not for everyone. My boyfriend K can’t stand it, but I love it. I had the original version and most of its expansion packs when I was in middle school. It was cool back then, but this version is way more high tech and there is so much you can do. Needless to say, I’ve been turning on the computer after work for the last couple of days making houses and living a life uncannily similar to the one I am really living, but with a lot more control and a heck of a lot more money 🙂
Something else happened too. I became an aunt for the second time.
The above picture is of my niece, Rose, named after my angel of a grandmother who passed away in 2007 from a 2 year battle of cancer. She was born yesterday evening weighing in at 7 lbs 3 oz and only 19.3″ long. She’s a perfect little girl. I know this only from pictures, videos, and accounts from my sister and my mom who was there for the birth and is still staying with my sister now. This has been killing me. My sister lives 4 hours from me and I can’t see her until Saturday. I wish I could go down sometime sooner, but I can’t. My sister assures me that she will look basically the same when I see her in a couple of days 😉 I miss my sister and nephew too. He loves his new baby sister.
I love the smell of newborns and the way their skin is so pink and rosy. I haven’t seen her yet, but I remember this from my nephew when he was born in 2010.
I envy my sister in a lot of ways. She has that mothering instinct, which I’m pretty sure passed me up genetically. I love my nephew and niece so very much. They are precious little babies and they have great parents who love them dearly. My sister is such a good mom. I am afraid that I will never have kids. For many reasons, but a lot of them have to do with the things I fear and my OCD (i.e. illness and cleanliness). I just don’t know if I can do it, mentally.
This is the hardest part for me about OCD. I think about it everyday, what it must be like to have children, and let me tell you, it scares the heck out of me! I try to tell myself that it might be different with my own children, but what if it’s not? How could I live in constant fear and anxiety? I love my nephew and niece, but I do not like children in general. They generally gross me out. As much as I love my nephew, I struggle to hold him or be too affectionate because he’s sick often. No matter what though, I WILL hold my niece. There’s nothing like holding a precious little newborn baby.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I didn’t wish things were different for me. I wish that I loved children and couldn’t wait to get married and settle down, have a couple of kids. I always imagine that the kids I have with K must be very beautiful, being half ethnically white American and half ethnically Korean. Maybe some day this will change. I certainly am working toward a happy ending like that.
Thanks for reading.