Beautiful Pink Rose

photo

For the last couple of days, I’ve been MIA on my blog, for really one reason only.  I hate to admit it, but I’ve become obsessed with a game; the Sims 3.  This game is not for everyone.  My boyfriend K can’t stand it, but I love it.  I had the original version and most of its expansion packs when I was in middle school.  It was cool back then, but this version is way more high tech and there is so much you can do.  Needless to say, I’ve been turning on the computer after work for the last couple of days making houses and living a life uncannily similar to the one I am really living, but with a lot more control and a heck of a lot more money 🙂

Something else happened too.  I became an aunt for the second time.

The above picture is of my niece, Rose, named after my angel of a grandmother who passed away in 2007 from a 2 year battle of cancer.  She was born yesterday evening weighing in at 7 lbs 3 oz and only 19.3″ long.  She’s a perfect little girl.  I know this only from pictures, videos, and accounts from my sister and my mom who was there for the birth and is still staying with my sister now.  This has been killing me.  My sister lives 4 hours from me and I can’t see her until Saturday.  I wish I could go down sometime sooner, but I can’t.  My sister assures me that she will look basically the same when I see her in a couple of days 😉  I miss my sister and nephew too.  He loves his new baby sister.

I love the smell of newborns and the way their skin is so pink and rosy.  I haven’t seen her yet, but I remember this from my nephew when he was born in 2010.

I envy my sister in a lot of ways.  She has that mothering instinct, which I’m pretty sure passed me up genetically.  I love my nephew and niece so very much.  They are precious little babies and they have great parents who love them dearly.  My sister is such a good mom.  I am afraid that I will never have kids.  For many reasons, but a lot of them have to do with the things I fear and my OCD (i.e. illness and cleanliness).  I just don’t know if I can do it, mentally.

This is the hardest part for me about OCD.  I think about it everyday, what it must be like to have children, and let me tell you, it scares the heck out of me!  I try to tell myself that it might be different with my own children, but what if it’s not?  How could I live in constant fear and anxiety?  I love my nephew and niece, but I do not like children in general.  They generally gross me out.  As much as I love my nephew, I struggle to hold him or be too affectionate because he’s sick often.  No matter what though, I WILL hold my niece.  There’s nothing like holding a precious little newborn baby.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I didn’t wish things were different for me.  I wish that I loved children and couldn’t wait to get married and settle down, have a couple of kids.  I always imagine that the kids I have with K must be very beautiful, being half ethnically white American and half ethnically Korean.  Maybe some day this will change.  I certainly am working toward a happy ending like that.

Thanks for reading.

Megan

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99 thoughts on “Beautiful Pink Rose

    1. It is so addicting 🙂 You couldn’t do nearly as much architecturally in the original version of Sims as you can now and they will be coming out with a 4th edition soon!

      Thank you 🙂 She is a beautiful baby if I must say so.

  1. LOL I used to be hopelessly addicted to the SIMs 3. It might last 6 months but K can rest assured, it will pass. Can’t remember the last time I looked at it now.
    Having kids of your own is different. I have never been very maternal and always worried that I wouldn’t be a good parent, children always seems so icky and sticky, in fact other people children still seem that way to me. Your own children are magic, they smell like heaven and everything they do is brilliant and exceptional. When they get ill, and they will from time to time, you spend your time wishing that you could take their sickness from them, you would gladly suffer it so they were happy again.
    Keep working towards finding joy in every day things and working on becoming the person you want to be. Never worry about having little ones of your own, if it happens you will become stronger and better for them and because of them.

    1. I certainly hope it works out that way if we decide to have one. He gets one shot! haha. I’ve always heard that it’s different with your own children. I guess I can see why that is, but I still don’t like them much in general! 🙂

  2. It’s always different with your own children. When my kids were small, I disliked every other kid on the planet, but my own kids… they just became an extension of myself… like if I had 3 arms or 4 legs lol!

    1. I would like to have the opportunity to shape a decent human being. Living in this world, I know how many idiots there are and how I can bring one less of them into the world 😉

  3. You do love the children who matter to you — that’s obvious from this post. And it was beautiful to read.

    I didn’t think I could have kids when I was younger, for lots of reasons. I never was interested in children, and I thought there was something wrong with me, for not having “maternal feelings.”. And yet, I had my son when I was 45 and I’m so glad. I’m not saying you need to have kids. I’m just telling you about my personal experience.

    1. It’s definitely comforting to hear personal stories like this. I am the same way that you were. I think I am just not at all to the point where I could be a mom yet, but sometime in the distant future I hope to be.

  4. Megan I am no expert on OCD or anything for that matter. However I have seen people who get violently ill with bad smells clean poopy diapers with no problems. Neatness freaks who,adjusted fine to toddlers making a mess. If its your kid it makes a difference.

    That being said, it is refectory ok NOT to have kids… When it is right, you will know it. And I bet you are the BEST auntie!

    1. I will always be a good auntie 🙂 Funny, my sister calls me that because she knows it annoys me! You should watch the video of the guy who put chocolate pudding into a baby diaper and freaked his friend out with it. So funny 🙂

    1. The expansion packs are pretty cool. A coworker of mine has most of them and is willing to let me borrow them 🙂 I heard that World Adventures and Late Night are pretty fun as well.

  5. You are always so hard on yourself. You will be a great mom once you are ready. The progress you are making with your OCD will only make it easier later for you to decide to have children. Seeing your baby that you and K make, will have a lasting changing effect on you. There is no rush you are young. You will know when the time is right. 🙂 Your niece is beautiful.

    1. I think you are definitely right. A part of me wants to just do it, but another part knows how different life will be once I have a child. I have plenty of time to consider it, but not forever.
      She is so beautiful 🙂

  6. I totally understand the allure of SIMS because it’s a life you can build and turn off – whereas real life – not so much :). My husband is way into one of them (not sure if it’s Sims3 or not), but what a beautiful photo of your baby niece!!

    1. Thank you 🙂 She is such a pretty baby.
      It is fun 🙂 I spend most of my time building houses than I do actually playing with the people though. It has to be perfect before I can play!

  7. So cute that you are addicted to Sims at the moment! Your niece looks gorgeous. If you love the sweet smell of newborns I would guess that your maternal and nurturing instincts are strong. 🙂 But what will be, will be and one day you may just ‘bite the bullet’ and become a mother. No mother is ever perfect; we all struggle with some limitations, and, on any given day, we simply do the best we can. In the meantime, enjoy your niece and nephew and the Sims 🙂

    1. 🙂 The Sims is rather addicting for me! I spend most of my time making the house “perfect,” at least to my standards.
      I know this doesn’t compare much, but I love Chester like a mother and I definitely have that motherly instinct with him. That’s the closest I’ve ever felt to being a “mother.” 😉

  8. I found that having kids eased all of my fears about maternal instinct, my own blend of garbage, etc. And then other issues come up. It changes, shifts. My fears and anxieties are different now, and I have a much clearer understanding on who I am, and what I value.

    1. That’s beautifully put. I hope I can come to an understanding of myself like you did someday. Taking the step to become a mother is a big one for me. One day maybe 🙂

  9. I used to like Sims 3, but one of my characters got old very fast and I freaked out because she didn’t reach her goal of being surrounded by family! I managed to “fix” her life in the last minute by creating another character who moved in with her and had a baby, so the first character still accomplished her goal, just in a different way.
    Cute baby! I can relate to your fear of having your own kids and I also hope with the own kids it’s different and those maternal feelings will develop somehow.

  10. Oh my dear, Megan. 🙂
    🙂
    I so wish you could have your own children. But, only you know what you’re capable of handling right now. I say never say never. Who knows…maybe one day you will feel differently. My kids played but I was forever washing their hands. Luckily my little quirky things didn’t rub off onto them. In fact they did the opposite of everything to me. They watched my phobias, protected me from them, but made sure they didn’t take them into their adult lives. Although my youngest son has very very mild OCD. Hi desk has to have everything in certain lines. He just looks at me and goes, “Don’t say anything” Lol Hugs to you. Paula xxxx

    1. Thank you Paula 🙂

      I hope one day that I can know for certain if I want children or not. I’m in limbo at the moment and probably will be for years to come. Your children sound like how my sister was. She saw some of things my mother did that were related to OCD and now I think she is totally opposite 😉 I on the other hand am an exact replica of my mother.

  11. I think once you become a parent I do not think it is something you cannot do. I understand if you say you are not even going to try becoming pregnant… at the same time if you would have your child in your hand you would see that your worries about yourself (your health) are fading and the only person important now (not true but still) is your baby.
    Congratulations on becoming an aunt!!! Hurray!

    1. Thank you! It’s fun to have a new member of the family to watch grow 🙂

      I hope I can come to a more concrete understanding of what I want in the future. Being a mother is a huge decision and I don’t know if I will ever be one or even want to.

  12. As an emetophobe, I’m not sure how I would cope with either being pregnant or having kids. People always assure me “when its your own kids, its different” but I’m not do sure. I figure its one of those things that you don’t know until it happens.

    1. You’re probably the first person to say exactly what I’ve wanted to express. The phobia (emetephobia in both our cases) overshadows feelings of being a mother. I just don’t know if it WILL be different with my own. I kind of really doubt it because this phobia is pretty ingrained and I doubt it will just go away, you know what I mean?

      1. I know exactly what you mean. The thing is its the fight or flight response it generates. Its not really something you can test without having your own kids, but its not really practical to go “yeah, lets give it a go” and then have a panic attack at every stomach bug.
        Thankfully my partner is pretty understanding, so he knows it would pretty much be down to him.
        A lot of counselling helped me come to grips with my phobia, but its still triggered by being in an enclosed space with a sick person. As long as I can walk away now, I am ok.
        I couldn’t hold my nephew for long because of it the last time I went back to my family. He is a bit older now, nearly 1, so I’m all ready to be an awesome Auntie. I’m not sure my sister quite understood the reluctance for hugs, but she didn’t say anything about it.
        The thing that gets me about emetophobia is that people say “well, nobody likes that”. They don’t seem to understand the panic attacks and the feet frozen to the ground feeling.
        I never really wanted kids, and now because of my genetic condition, I might find it very painful to be pregnant. Despite all that, I want to make a family.
        I think, when you’re doing things for the people you love, you will find amazing strength.

      2. I can’t stand it when people say that to me too, that “nobody likes it.” If it were that simple, would I still have this phobia? That’s one of the reasons I stopped seeing my therapist. She said that ALL the time. She was nice and all, but seemed to down play my phobia. I hope one day that you can have that family you want 🙂 I think for me, it’s not in the cards.

      3. Oof, I think you need a different therapist, or get them to research emetophobia. It is one of the more common genuine phobias (since most professed arachnophobes aren’t actually phobic, but are scared). I really dislike the commonplace overuse of “phobia”.
        And you never know how these things will progress, and there are ways around things. Me and my partner have already had the adoption conversation since I may be medically unable to have kids. Don’t write things off too soon!

      4. Yes, the word “phobia” gets thrown around too loosely unfortunately. It takes the true meaning away from the term and is often turned into a joke of sorts. Unless you feel like you are actually going to die or have an impending sense of doom in the presence of the thing you are phobic of, then you do not have a phobia. I wish more people would understand this.

        I think adoption is a wonderful idea 🙂 There are so many children in need of loving homes.

  13. Hee hee, I have to admit that I even got caught up in The Sims 3, until I realized I was using it as another action that was enabling my procrastination.

    Lovely niece. My niece had a baby boy a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, they live on the West Coast, and I am here in the South, Can’t wait to meet him.

    I can see you have received comments about kids being different when they are your own, which is true. I never thought that I was the motherly type, and had actually decided to never have kids–even though it conflicted with my dream to be a mom with half a dozen kids. I had major anxiety over bringing children into this messed up world of ours, but I realized that I could influence them–who knows, maybe I would have the kid who will cure cancer, come up with better solutions for managing any sort of mental illness, or some other wonderful thing that wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t been born.

    All I know, they were the best thing that has happened to me. I overcame my aversion to wiping snotty noses, poopy diapers, vomit, and all the gross little germs they brought home from school. They were the most beautiful connection between my husband and me–and if I hadn’t gotten older, I would have had that half dozen.

    Of course, now I worry about how much of my anxiety and depression shaped who they are today. How much did they learn from me through observation? Does this cause problems in their lives?

    The only thing I can say with 100% certainty, Megan–you can overcome OCD, Anxieties, or Depression. It takes work and commitment, but it is possible. It may never go away completely, but it can be managed, and you can experience life to it’s fullest–according to your definition.

    The decision to have kids is a personal one, and a very rewarding one too. However, cats are just as wonderful 😉
    -April

    1. I commend you for braving the journey of motherhood. I am such a sissy, but the phobia (emetephobia) is just so much more dominating of my emotions and thinking that it overshadows the love I have for children, which unfortunately is only for my nephew and niece. I like no other children. As mean as that sounds, it’s true! I rarely find children cute, but my niece and nephew are the exception.

      The idea of raising a great human being, on the other hand, is what might make me go for it. I think K and I have a lot to offer a child in terms of education, culture, and of course love. I don’t have forever to think about this decision, but it’s not immediate. When I get married, that might change.

      Ah, Chester with all his antics is kind of a dream child 🙂 I think I will stick to cats! My ultimate dream (get ready to laugh) is to live alone in one of those Tumbleweed Tiny houses, on my father’s lake, working just enough to pay for the mortgage on the tiny house, and subsistence farm. Oh yeah, I will have tons of cats! 🙂 How weird is that? 😀

      1. Urgh! I have typed a response three times, and keep deleting it by accident.

        My daughter and I always joke about being clones. We both have the same sense of independence, same humor, and we look at life the same. I swear, you could be my second clone.

        I love kids, as long as I don’t have to take care of them. I think they are adorable as long as they are smiling, or quiet. I volunteered at my kid’s school helping struggling readers–which was extremely rewarding for me, but at the end of the day, they went home to their parents.

        I even tried babysitting for a while. BAD choice for me because I couldn’t stand the kids. However, I LOVE my kids, my nieces and nephews, and my great-nephews. For me, personally, there is no comparison. However, I have beaten myself up for not being a “normal” type of woman with the motherly instinct. I am also so thankful that I overcame my aversion to kids, and decided to have 3 wonderful pieces of me and my husband. But that was my personal choice.

        Your Tiny Tumbleweed house is seriously one of the types of dreams I have had forever. I make sure to add a rocking chair and a porch to my dreams.I would also have a few alpacas to shear them and spin yarn to knit with too…..and lots of cats, of course. Your dream is not weird at all to me. =^.^=

      2. I hate when I do that. WP can be so finicky sometimes.

        I could very well be your second clone 🙂 My mother is exactly like me, so there’s your third!

        I know what you mean about loving kids that you don’t have to take care of 😉 I enjoy visiting my sister and her children, but I get to go home at the end of the day. I love them, but I am NOT ready for that stress in my life. I had a terrible babysitting experience too. I babysat for a very wealthy Saudi Arabian woman who was studying here and had her two children. Talk about the most spoiled kids ever. The little boy was really creepy and said perverted things to me all the time. He was 3! I swear the little girl was the spawn of Satan. It really fueled my dislike for children. Then my nephew came along 🙂 He made it all better again.

        I can’t believe you have the same tiny house dream as me! That is saying a lot about how similar we are 🙂 K doesn’t see the appeal, but to me it would be the best thing ever. They look so cozy, cute, and low maintenance! Chester would probably use every wall as a scratching post I’m sure 😉

  14. Ive been playing the sims since i was 19. Im now 32. Lol i had to stop because i got TOOOOOOOOOOO attached. I would rush home JUST to catch up on my sims day. it was a shame.

  15. First of all, the Sims 3 is a great game.

    Second of all, if it helps to have strength in numbers, I worry about similiar things – I have generalized anxiety disorder, and I know there’s a fear in raising children as well as passing it down to them. I am especially afraid of having daughters for this reason – it seems to run in the women of our family.

    Nevertheless, I know I can do it when the time is right. I hope you feel the same one day 🙂

    1. It seems to run in my family too, but I suspect my great uncle is the same way. I worry about it too, passing this on to them. It’s really no way to live, but it’s what I’ve been dealt 🙂

  16. Congrats on your niece. Asian genes are very dominant (I’m part Mongolian), so you’d probably have kids that resembled you very little. My Goddaughter’s father is blonde and blued eyed, but her Mom, who I’ve been friends with forever, is native Hawaiian, part Japanese, and part Italian. We joke that her Dad didn’t get a gene in there, because she’s all fair skin, grey eyes, and dark hair like her Mom. She’s gorgeous. I think some people need to have their own children before maternal instincts kick in. I’m so maternal it’s disgusting.

    1. You’re right. Our children would most likely not have many of my features, but they might have my facial structure or body type. Most children with mixed heritages that I’ve seen, particularly those who have Asian genes, are very beautiful 🙂

      1. My ancestry is extremely mixed. That touch of Asian ancestry is what gives my eyes that natural uptilt that is just gorgeous on women, but that most Asian women tell me they hate about their looks. =0 Even after all these years, people will ask me where I’m from. It was much more pronounced as a baby, and you could still see it at age 6, but when my eyes changed color at that age (from dark blue to hazel), so too did a lot of my facial features, which I think is normal as you grow. I’m one of those people that connects with her ancestry far more than most. I consider myself a little less American in that sense because of all the countries involved in my ancestry, but I also love that it makes me unique. I keep the languages alive in my life and all the little nuances, whereas my brother considers himself a patriotic American, and doesn’t acknowledge anything that helped make him that way. He & I are like night and day in so many ways, and in other ways we’re a lot alike.
        My Goddaughter is beautiful, but she also has the personality to make you really see her as a little person. I helped name her, and she gets on Skype with me so I can sing to her, it’s precious. On the worst possible day, she will always make me smile. I can’t wait to give her cousins to play with.

      2. I find knowing about one’s heritage to be very interesting. It’s awesome that you are so in touch with your ancestry. I appreciate that. My family is all Western European and the most interesting to me is the French, German, and Scottish history. It really fascinates me. I love to look at my family history book and just feel closer to them.
        It sounds like you have a special connection with your goddaughter 🙂 Sometimes I get on Skype with my nephew too. I love that we can have that intimate communication thanks to technology!

      3. My ancestry is interesting, and I find myself constantly connected to it. I am part tribal Siberian, part Russian, part Mongolian, part Belarusian, part Romanian, part Ukrainian, part British, part Polish, part Lithuanian, part Argentinean, part Italian (Rome and Venice), part Sicilian (Palermo), part Greek, part German, part Spanish (Zaragoza), and part Israeli. Every single hair and eye color combination imaginable is in my family, and it’s weird how several generations removed will look identical to one another at times. There’s either olive complexions or variations of fairness, but nothing else. I have 2nd & 3rd cousins that look like they’re my children, or almost identical to me. The first time I met my cousin Danny, I was reminded of a dream I’d had of a little boy that was clearly my son. Danny didn’t look like either of his parents, he looked exactly like me. My Mom was so shocked, her jaw was practically on the floor. He has since outgrown being my clone, but I find it interesting.
        My Goddaughter is a little treasure. I wrote about her on her birthday: http://andthemoonseesall.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/the-fire-in-my-life/
        She’s a total little person and she’s very protective of me in the sense that if someone hugs me too hard, she’ll get upset that they’re “squeezing too hard”. She’ll tell them no and to “be gentle”. She’s incredibly attentive and astute. You’d think I was a rock star to this child, she talks about me like I am the coolest Aunt EVER. It’s a cute ego boost. LOL.

      4. You really do have a vast heritage, much more so than I. My family honestly all looks the same 😉 On either side. I have features most like my mother, but somehow I still look like my father’s family! Genetics are always fascinating 🙂 Someday I want to get the DNA test done and trace exactly where my ancestors came from and possibly at what time. I always thought that would be cool 🙂

      5. I do, and I’m keenly aware of it. Some of the men in my family resemble each other quite closely, but everyone else either looks like their parents or like someone else entirely.
        I’ve been told my entire life that I look like my mother, but I only see it here and there. My brother is more of a blend of both families than I am. I’m more of a throwback to my great-grandparents in terms of looks. I’m the oldest of all the Grandchildren. There’s a huge age difference between my cousins and I on both sides. It’s so weird being around everyone and seeing how different I am in every respect. I have one cousin where we have personality traits that we clearly share, and even my best friend noticed it when she met her, but that’s where it ends. They all abandoned my brother & I after we lost our parents, so I don’t speak to them unless forced. I adore my younger cousins, but after that, I’m done.
        DNA tracing gives you a percentage of your ancestry via cheek swab. I’m predominantly Eastern European/Tribal Siberian/Russian, and everything else is tiny percentages. Some of it shows up more on me and some of it shows up more on my brother.
        Genetics is an interesting thing. I’m rarely surprised any more if someone in the family has a baby and the baby looks more like me than them. It’s kind of funny, really, but a lot of us can place our baby pictures next to one another and find common traits. I love looking at my baby pictures. LOL.

  17. My mother is OCD, and she’s never been treated. Childhood was… interesting. But, you know… kids grow up. They (hopefully) become thinking adults. Better yet, they not only forgive you for whatever failings you imagine, but they forgive your failings they imagined, too.

    1. You’re definitely right. I had a similar childhood, but I am so much like my mother it’s scary! My sister on the other hand, she is the complete opposite of my mother and I 😉

  18. My wife thought she would never have kids, and thought that she wouldn’t be a good mom. She didn’t seem to have those mom qualities. Alas, once we actually had a child all those mom instincts turned on and she has been amazing. I think it comes down to the moment when your child arrives and you hold your baby, and you just know that it is a piece of you, and that baby will love you unconditionally, and in turn you love the baby the same.

    1. I had that version. It was fun because it didn’t slow down or weigh down the computer, but the controls were so limited. I haven’t tried the latest PS3 version though.

  19. Motherhood isn’t for everyone. I’m not a mom but still live a very fulfilling life. I hope your journey will bring you peace about whatever decision you end up making about children. In the meantime, enjoy being a good aunt to your nephew and new sweet niece.

    1. I agree, it is not for everyone and I doubt it’s for me. If I feel like I’d be sacrificing so much of myself to be a mother, then I don’t know if it’s the right path for me.

  20. I love The Sims too. I owned all generations from The Sims, The Sims 2 and The Sims 3 and most of their expansion packs. However, I haven’t played them for a while because I think they consumed a lot of my free time when I started to play it. Anyway, they will launch The Sims 4 soon (I hope) and from I saw updated information on the 4th generation, those Sims will feel more real in their shapes, faces, bodies and facial expression. Quite exciting.

    By the way, your niece is adorable. Congrats 🙂

    1. The new one will be more advanced that’s true. I just wish the games didn’t take up so much memory and they run the CPU so hard that it’s notorious for killing computers. That being said, I still want the pets expansion!

      1. Agree with new Sims version taking so much memory and CPU usage. I don’t want to admit this but I always change my computer to match the Sims’ requirement every time they launched newer version. I think this time I will also do it for Sims 4.

      2. Sounds like a plan 🙂 I will probably wait until the Sims 4 is out for a few years before getting it. I mean it took me this long to get 3! 🙂

  21. Loved your post! I was never maternal but I did know I did not want to be 45 and regret not having children. I have a beautiful baby boy now and he teaches me to put things into perspective. When I feel anxiety coming up I look at his trusting face and know I have to get over it and focus on him. Anxieties don’t go away when you become a mom, but they change, they become less trivial and more meaningful and useful, if that makes sense?

  22. Your niece is so cute 🙂 Im sure you would make a great mom if you wanted a kid. I think that with any circumstance, things can be overcome. I have a 65% hearing loss in both ears and I was told I would never be able to read or write. I currently have two bachelor degrees and two master’s degrees. Anything is possible, I firmly believe that.

    1. I think you’re right. If I want a kid I know I will be a good mom. It would take a lot of change for me to get to that point, but I hope it comes to fruition some day.

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