The Mirror is Sometimes My Enemy

Pretty little flowers at my dad's house :)
Pretty little flowers at my dad’s house 🙂

I first want to thank everyone who contributed to my Tattoo Fund thus far.  I never expected anyone to contribute, but am beyond astounded at the fact that some did.  I just want to give you a huge thank you!  I am that much closer to my goal 🙂

Today, I had the worst time waking up for work.  I have gotten into the great habit of waking up in plenty of time, taking a shower, and looking pretty.  I was so tired, probably because my body is adjusting to the soreness following a workout, so when the alarm went off, I just didn’t get up.  Luckily by some miracle I woke up with 45 minutes to go before I had to go to work, but this meant that I had to forgo a shower.  I really, really dislike when my routine is messed up.  However, the day was fine overall and this didn’t really mess me up.

The point is, I felt terribly ugly all day.  My hair was not washed and in a sad pony tail.  I have a stupid sore at the corner of my mouth that looks hideous.  I chose the worst T-shirt to wear.  It was all around not a good day for my appearance 😉  Not that anyone really cares, we can wear whatever we want to work and often do just that.

When I came home, I made brownies for K’s students.  He sometimes treats them when they have a big project to work on or do something boring like reviewing one another’s presentations. When the brownies finished baking, I set them out for a few minutes and then snuck a small piece, then another small piece, and then another.  The pieces probably didn’t add up to much, but I felt like I ate an entire cake and like I undid all of my exercising of the past 4 days.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I have never been satisfied with my body.  I think it has a lot to do with the friends I had and the rudeness of children and b*tchy ex-high school friends.  I had the worst time in middle school because I was in that really awkward phase.  There are hardly any pictures of me at that time and I’m FINE with that.

The thoughts of “I’m not thin enough” or “my nose is too big” or “my breasts are too small” (the list goes on) are remnants of a time when I was not at all comfortable with who I am.  These thoughts still invade my mind on a daily basis.  I know I’m not the only person like this, who has these thoughts of self loathing, but sometimes it sure feels that way.

I never had a boyfriend in high school until the last month before I graduated, which was when I met K.  Since then, I have gained a lot of self-confidence and been much more comfortable being me.  I am and always will be a huge dork, nerd, or oddball, whichever you prefer.  Sometimes I snort when I laugh, which I’m now ok with.  Oftentimes I act out scenarios from my days in vary exaggerated ways, which is quite dorky I’m aware.  I sing like it’s going out of style in the car and I KNOW people see.  I am not embarrassed to be a crazy cat lady or a woman who enjoys the Assassin’s Creed (cleverly coined Ass Creed by my brother) series or any version of COD.  I’m freakin awesome at both and I think it has to do with my OCD.  The fast movements and quick reflexes required to play these games are right up my alley 😉

I am not ashamed of any of these things, but why do I still struggle with loving the way I look? Why can I not accept my random lot of genetics?

I’m sure as time goes on, that I will grow more out of this mindset.  I hope so at least.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Megan

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79 thoughts on “The Mirror is Sometimes My Enemy

  1. so are you really getting a tattoo? and i applaud you for breaking up your routine and it not wrecking your day. i think the exercise will get easier and it will not knock you back so much. you actually will have more energy in time. also i think you should keep in mind that even the people that we think are gorgeous have some insecurities of their own. what you should remember is that you are beautiful to many, including K. shame on you for stealing the kid’s sweets! ha

    1. I am really getting a tattoo! Can you believe it? 🙂 Working out has already improved my posture and helped with neck pain. I don’t like that I have to sit at a desk all day. You are so right. Beautiful people have problems too 🙂

      1. Ha, no I cannot. Do you know what you want or where? Well that’s awesome that you are already noticing positive changes. People underestimate the power of exercise. You are one of those beautiful people 😉

      2. Thank you Robert. That’s very sweet of you. I want a design of my cat and possibly on my left shoulder blade 🙂 I have an appointment in 6 months. Sounds like a long time, but a tattoo is permanent so I’m ok with that.

  2. This is a very moving post! I tend to feel the same about my body at times but most of my self loathing is related to my personality. I think you are a beautiful person inside and out and a very talented writer. Xx

    1. Thank you so much 🙂 That is very kind of you and you’ve warmed my heart. I think I agree that it has somewhat to do with my personality and also with the way I grew up and the peers I hung around with.

  3. This is a very moving post! I can feel the same about my body at times but most of my self loathing thoughts are related to personality. I have a tendency to feel that I am not a nice person. I think you are a beautiful person both inside and out and a very good writer! Xx

  4. Insecurities are a funny thing. If that is you in your profile pic, then I think you are gorgeous and the sort of person I would be very jealous of if I was in the gym! But people who tell me I’m pretty get a very short response, because there is no way I believe them. I do wonder whether our own body images are actually very twisted versions of our actual selves.

    Dove made this video, and I wonder if you can relate to this? I can, massively.

    (If that doesn’t work then YouTube ‘Dove Real Beauty Images’)

    I guess I wanted to reassure you that you are beautiful, but also stand with you in understanding that it isn’t as easy as hearing that and then believing it yourself. That’s the really hard bit. I hope your tattoo will give you a piece of beauty on your skin that you can appreciate 🙂

    1. That means a lot to me 🙂 If someone is being objective when they say I’m pretty, then that makes me feel better, but certain people seem like they have to say it (like my mom) 😉 I do love this video. I’ve watched it a couple of times actually and the first time it made me tear up. I’ve shown it to people around the office. I will be honest and say that I love the spoof of this video with the men. If you haven’t seen it, you need to watch it. I get a great laugh out of it every time 🙂 Thanks for reminding me of this great campaign!
      megan

  5. Hey Megan, I understand and here you about the body issues. My next post touches on this very briefly. (body issues) It’s crazy what we out ourselves through and those around us that have to listen to us. Lol
    A tattoo? Cool. I have a very large one on my right thigh. I love brownies..Yum Yum Yum. Lol
    Can feel the weight just thinking of them. You know what? Breaking your routine is good for you, even though it felt horrible. You pretty much put yourself through therapy for the day. 🙂
    It’s how I stopped washing my hands over and over again. Felt yukky dirty wrong, but eventually it worked. Took years as you know, but better than having it a lifetime. Like I said I drop one to pick up another. 🙂 Have a great day. Love to you, Paula xxx

    1. You’re right Paula 🙂 Breaking routine is a good thing every now and then. I need more spontaneity in my life. There’s just not enough of it! I’m so rigid and punctual, which is not always a bad thing, but it also means that change makes me anxious.

      The brownies were good, but the students devoured them and I’m glad. I can’t have any leftovers or my goodness I’d be eating too many.
      Do you mind me asking what your tattoo is of? It’s fascinating to me to know the story behind other people’s tattoos.
      Hope you had a great day 🙂
      megan

      1. When I attempted suicide 3 years ago, during my recovery I decided I wanted something tattooed on me to remind myself that I chose life.

        So, I have my cat at the base (I adore her) Lol
        And I have a fairy blowing a dandelion. It symbolises me wishing and choosing life. Whenever I get low…it reminds me. But, let me tell you, it’s helped many many times over the last 3 years. I had it made big so it’s in my face. Lol

  6. I mean if all else fails, you don’t have to accept your genetics. Just get super rich and have plastic surgery?

    Okay I know that’s an awful thing to say, but hey, at least it’s more original than “learn to love yourself!”

  7. I’ve never tried this, but I’ve heard that to become more comfortable with your appearance or personality, you should stare into a mirror for maybe 10 minutes and just names things that you like about yourself. Or, I’ve also heard, take time to write out 1 or 2 things that you don’t like about yourself and then 10 things that you do. I guess it helps you to appreciate and cherish what you have.

    1. Thank you Tony 🙂 I agree that it’s not how I feel. Definitely don’t feel gorgeous. You should grow your hair long enough to put in a ponytail 😉 I am always trying to get Won to do it, but he chickens out. I think it’s cute when guys have long hair 🙂

  8. We all struggle with body image and looks, even if we’re constantly told we look amazing or that we’re beautiful, if we don’t see it, it’s just words. It’s important to work with what you have, emphasize what you DO like, and don’t aim for perfection because there is no such thing. We’re real women, no one is following us around with an airbrush.

    1. That’s so true 🙂 I need to work with what I have. I’ve actually improved quite a bit in this arena. I had terrible self esteem in middle school and high school to the point that it was debilitating. I’m glad I got over that.

      1. That’s when a lot of those issues start for girls, and a lot of it gets carried over into adulthood. I never thought anything was wrong with me until my final year in gymnastics, and afterward I went through about 2-3 years battling bulimia on and off. It was a difficult time, but I’ve stopped abusing myself for my genetic code and have started accepting the fact that I am not perfect, but that there’s uniqueness in me that is worthy of respect.

      2. I always say I’m good because I generally like what I see from the neck up, but the truth is, I’m like most women and would get certain things fixed in a New York minute if I knew that I wasn’t planning on having children, etc. There is no amount of working out that truly fixes every single “problem area”. Gravity and aging, as well as genetics, always factor in. My weight fluctuates, but I’ve stopped weighing myself and I’ve stopped looking at size as an issue. I don’t want food to be an enemy. I want to be balanced and accept myself exactly as I am because if I don’t, no one else will either.

      3. I stopped weighing myself a long time ago too. I go by how clothes fit rather than a number on a scale. I have problem areas like everyone else, but they can’t really be fixed with exercise like you said. I just have to work on accepting myself for who I am.

      4. I got a scale when I started to really drop a lot of weight because I wanted to track it and have an idea of how much I was losing. It was a lot, and then one trip to a new doctor made me feel like a moron. He suggested I have it recalibrated and I sweetly informed him that it’s digital. You can’t fake the reading on it, so maybe he should get HIS recalibrated. Asshole. If you’re not a twig, you’re told you’re morbidly obese. It’s a disgusting world we live in when we’re judged by our size, our looks, our flaws, but absolutely nothing that shows you who we are and what we bring to the table. I hate it and I refuse to allow anyone to tell me my worth is in my weight or the size clothes I put on each day. I’m not 13 any more, so expecting to get down to that size again is unrealistic. Doing my best and being a good person is more important to me than anything else. The rest is in God’s hands, truly.

      5. That does make him an asshole. I work with doctors every day and they definitely think they are above most other people, not all of course, but some of the ones I work with do. There is too much emphasis on our appearance and not on weather or not we are actually healthy.

  9. I think it is awesome that you are good at video games! I used to love to game too, so I can relate to that. Who you are is awesome and unique – and no person can take that away from you. I know some people try, with cruel remarks – but it is a reflection on them, not you. I struggle with self image issues as well, so I relate to your story a lot.

  10. The mirror lies, light is bad, backwards, and all that. Best to avoid on bad hair days and we all have them. My ponytail is a stump of hairs that stick straight out. Still, WE all experience occasional or frequent body image days…Praying you do not let them change your overall trajectory for the day…Go get um, Megan!

  11. It is hard to feel good about the way you look when there are so many unrealistic people to compare ourselves to. (I don’t just mean celebrities, but also normal folks that spend far too much time/money/effort on the way they look.) Good for you on improving your confidence, and I want to see your tattoo when it is done!

    1. There are far too many really attractive people in my current city because of the university. I always felt like the ugly duckling or odd man out. It’s not so much that way anymore. We have to find beauty in ourselves I suppose 🙂 I will definitely show you the tattoo when I get it in 6 months! It’s a long time, but worth it for this artist 🙂

  12. I totally know what you mean. I was awkwardly curvy in high school and my mum informed me on a monthly basis that I was fat. She didn’t do this to be mean, she was just worried about my health but it definitely hurt. Nowadays I’m ok with the way I look, but I have “fat days” when I think I’m hideous. My boyfriend has decided that the best form of therapy he can give is to make me stand in front of a mirror while he hugs me from behind and tells me how beautiful I am. But I’m a bit of a slob so if I look bad it’s coz I’ve put no effort into it 😛

    1. I can imagine that hearing that as a child would hurt, but I see how your mother cared for you. You are lucky to have such a caring man in your life who loves your for who you are 🙂 That’s beautiful in itself.

  13. Megan, I’m not being horrible and you prolly won’t listen and may even hate me for saying this but it is definitely not a good idea to get a tattoo. I know they are fashionable but it’s a totally false belief that they make you feel or look any better. I don’t know if you are Christian but they are actually cursed by God in the Bible as skin markings and piercings in Leviticus 9-28 – Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. Don’t spoil your body in this way. Look at what David Beckham has done to himself? Does he really think that looks nice? Even one tattoo spoils a person somehow. We are more than that. It’s not a good thing to do…..

    1. No, not at all. Everyone has their own opinion. I’ve found that people either love them or hate them and there’s rarely an in between 🙂 Thank you for being honest, but I will still be getting one. I do think they are beautiful and always have.

  14. You are definitely not alone, everyone feels that way most of their lives. Just being you is great, I’m comfortable being me, and if people don’t like my little bit of gray in my hair, then they simply don’t have to look at me. BTW, I have the same sore on my lip, probably from the lymph node issue, like you. Try melaleuca, I have been and it’s helping heal it. Just a little dab on it a few times a day. Give it a try.

    1. That is so weird that you have the same sore. Is it at the corner of your lip? I get those sometimes, but yes, it came on right after I got rid of the canker sore in my mouth. I will try the melaluca 🙂

      1. It’s a fever blister, your body’s immune system is a little down and that’s probably why we have them. A teeny drop of thieves oil may help, but if it burns then gently remove it with a carrier and stick with melaleuca. I also have been putting on guard on it, I tried clove but it’s a little hot.

    1. i think your blog is great! i’m only just starting out mine..my own struggle with chronic anxiety and panic mainly, among some other things. it takes me a lot of courage to share my personal battle and it takes ALOT of courage to share your own inhibitions about your body and self esteem…i think you’re brave and refreshingly honest =). also everyone has had those battles with mirrors! sometimes they just seem plain evil. you can and will win the battle!!. i hope writing it out helps you =)

      1. 🙂 Thank you! THat really means a lot to me. I think you’ll find as you go along that sharing your struggles and thoughts in an honest, open way that it is therapeutic in a way. It is for me anyway. It’s one of the best things I’ve done for my psyche thus far 🙂 I hope you can find that to be true for you as well.
        megan

      2. Thank you 🙂 you’re very right about writing it out its helping me immensely already and just reading about fellow anxiety sufferers is a huge help I know I’m not alone you know? It’s scary to share at first but it feels great now that I’ve started!

  15. I have struggled with my weight for a long time. A mirror especially a full length one is definitely no friend of mine. I did good last year and lost over 80 pounds. Then around the holidays I got sick and everything fell apart. Now three surgeries later I have 50 more pounds to lose. I just have to get my mind set on my goal. I know you will do fine and I wish you luck. 🙂

    1. Congrats to you dear for the weight loss! It is one of the most difficult, yet rewarding things we can do for ourselves. I can already tell that I am getting back into shape after just a week of exercise. I know you’ll reach your goal! Good for you 🙂

  16. Wow Megan, this post really hit home. I’m still in that phase of not liking parts of my personality. How did you over come this? You are an inspiration to me!

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