I first want to thank everyone who contributed to my Tattoo Fund thus far. I never expected anyone to contribute, but am beyond astounded at the fact that some did. I just want to give you a huge thank you! I am that much closer to my goal 🙂
Today, I had the worst time waking up for work. I have gotten into the great habit of waking up in plenty of time, taking a shower, and looking pretty. I was so tired, probably because my body is adjusting to the soreness following a workout, so when the alarm went off, I just didn’t get up. Luckily by some miracle I woke up with 45 minutes to go before I had to go to work, but this meant that I had to forgo a shower. I really, really dislike when my routine is messed up. However, the day was fine overall and this didn’t really mess me up.
The point is, I felt terribly ugly all day. My hair was not washed and in a sad pony tail. I have a stupid sore at the corner of my mouth that looks hideous. I chose the worst T-shirt to wear. It was all around not a good day for my appearance 😉 Not that anyone really cares, we can wear whatever we want to work and often do just that.
When I came home, I made brownies for K’s students. He sometimes treats them when they have a big project to work on or do something boring like reviewing one another’s presentations. When the brownies finished baking, I set them out for a few minutes and then snuck a small piece, then another small piece, and then another. The pieces probably didn’t add up to much, but I felt like I ate an entire cake and like I undid all of my exercising of the past 4 days.
Ever since I was in elementary school, I have never been satisfied with my body. I think it has a lot to do with the friends I had and the rudeness of children and b*tchy ex-high school friends. I had the worst time in middle school because I was in that really awkward phase. There are hardly any pictures of me at that time and I’m FINE with that.
The thoughts of “I’m not thin enough” or “my nose is too big” or “my breasts are too small” (the list goes on) are remnants of a time when I was not at all comfortable with who I am. These thoughts still invade my mind on a daily basis. I know I’m not the only person like this, who has these thoughts of self loathing, but sometimes it sure feels that way.
I never had a boyfriend in high school until the last month before I graduated, which was when I met K. Since then, I have gained a lot of self-confidence and been much more comfortable being me. I am and always will be a huge dork, nerd, or oddball, whichever you prefer. Sometimes I snort when I laugh, which I’m now ok with. Oftentimes I act out scenarios from my days in vary exaggerated ways, which is quite dorky I’m aware. I sing like it’s going out of style in the car and I KNOW people see. I am not embarrassed to be a crazy cat lady or a woman who enjoys the Assassin’s Creed (cleverly coined Ass Creed by my brother) series or any version of COD. I’m freakin awesome at both and I think it has to do with my OCD. The fast movements and quick reflexes required to play these games are right up my alley 😉
I am not ashamed of any of these things, but why do I still struggle with loving the way I look? Why can I not accept my random lot of genetics?
I’m sure as time goes on, that I will grow more out of this mindset. I hope so at least.
Thanks for reading 🙂