Always The Worry

DSC_0083This week has been particularly stressful for me, mostly because I’ve been avoiding the flu.  People at work keep dropping like flies.  I got the flu shot late in the fall, so I’m hoping that my defenses are strong enough to protect me.  Just thinking about it freaks me out.  I have been doing so well that days like today feel like real set backs.

I’m now sitting with my Chester and writing this.  He’s so sweet to be right in between my chest and my laptop 😉

I picked up K from the airport today.  He brought me back the beautiful flower necklace made of silver that you see above.  It was very thoughtful of him and so pretty.

He also got me, at my request, face masks to wear around people who are sick, to prevent myself from breathing in their gross vapor.

DSC_0073Today, I had a panic attack.  It was horrible, to say the least.  In these moments, I get a terrible sense that something bad is going to happen and that my life is in danger.  During times like this, I wish I didn’t have to live through this disorder.  When I was feeling particularly terrible about the day, I wrote a poem.  I haven’t written any poetry in awhile, but this struck me as something I needed to write.  Here’s a look into what’s going on in my head during a panic attack:

“Always the Worry”

Neck stiff, sore, unnaturally rigid.

The tendons taut like fastened cables.

I can’t move, or talk or breathe.

Surely this will save me.

The clock moves slower than normal.

The urge to scream creeping up my throat.

My back hurts, hunched over,

Extremities tense & tucked against my body.

Breaths rapid, short, shallow, sad.

The air is dirty.

Someone walks past, talks, panic.

My heart races,

I want to cry.

Crying would make this worse.
I’d lose control.

Grab the papers,

Wash my hands.

Pick up the phone,

Wash my hands.

Touch anything outside my space,
Wash my hands,

Not once,

Twice,

Maybe a third time.

My hands hurt from scrubbing,

Forearms sore and weak,

Skin between my fingers drying,

Red.

The water burns,

But I must do this.

Back to my desk,

Sanitizer,

Lotion,

Work.

A few moments of calm then the storm starts again.

Panic, panic, panic.

Stiff neck, back, mouth closed tight, short breaths.

Focus on work.

Try to focus,

Pass the time.

It can’t last forever.

Help the clock tick faster.

Sick, illness, cough, cough, sneeze.

Panic, panic, panic.

Why God am I here?

Sometimes my life seems so pointless.

I want all this to stop.

Why the worry?

Think too much.

Anticipate too much,

Tense,

Tired.

I hate it.

This routine exhausting,

Really exhausting.

Sad.

This is not life.

Always the worry.

– Megan

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72 thoughts on “Always The Worry

  1. Sure hope you keep healthy and avoid the flu. I am glad that living in Riga, Latvia I work from home and I am extra careful when going out during the flu season. Love that necklace.

  2. I felt that I could relate to your post. I have a deep fear of getting sick with cancer. It’s almost a phobia. When I read or see something about it on the media, I feel a sense of panic and turn the channel. The feelings I get seem so strong, even though they are irrational. When I get a panic attack, I listen to a mindful breathing cd and this seems to help me.

    1. I can understand that. To be honest, when I was in high school and my grandmother was suffering from cancer, I was terrified when I heard about potential carcinogens in my life. It’s a legitimate fear. I hope you are doing well.

  3. Awww, Megan. 😦 I have an aunt who used to suffer terribly with OCD, and I remember the heavy toll it took on her. I wish you peace for the moment, for the hour, for the night. I pray that you stay strong and healthy, and you don’t get even a touch of the flu. Be at peace. You’re in my thoughts…sending love and light your way!

  4. I am lucky to say, I have had only two panic attacks in my life and one required a ride in an ambulance. I try to manage my anxiety’s the best I can but sometimes it is hard. I have trouble sleeping as I can never seem to turn off my brain. When you have a strong imagination and are not a positive person you tend to imagine things going wrong..That is me! I craft or use my artistic side to turn these thoughts “off” even just for a little while… Thank you for sharing your stories. I enjoy reading. Best Wishes to you!
    Danielle

  5. I am also plagued with a sense of impending doom at times… it’s terrifying! Hugs to you and snuggles to Chester, kitties are very good at bringing back a sense of calmness in our lives =^..^=

  6. Praying for you, Megan. I had panic attacks in Dec. 1992, so I know they can be frightening. St Jude and St Rita are Patron Saints of Impossible Cases, and Patron Saints of Hope. St Dymphna is Patron Saint of a Those with Nervous Disorders. I hope you will feel God’s presence and consolations. God is love. Just pray, “JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU.” And He will help you. Ask Christ’s Mother to pray for you, too; along with St Joseph, who is Jesus’ foster father. The Chaplet of Divine Mercy on EWTN.Com at 3:00pm every day helps me. The Rosary at 3:30pm on EWTN helps too. The St Michael Chaplet is a comfort too, and it’s prayed at 7:00am EST. Mass on EWTN is at Noon. I hope this helps you.

  7. Hugs to you. I have anxiety too and it’s not easy to live with. It’s not like OCD…it’s hard to explain really and I don’t know what to call it really if I could pin a description on it

  8. Oh no, i hope you don’t get sick! Hopefully the face mask will protect you.
    You nailed it with your poem. I’ve never read one as accurate as yours. My thoughts are with you today. Hugs xx
    p.s. Love the necklace, it really is beautiful.

  9. I feel for you honey but always remember it will pass and how do I know this? Because I have about 24 extra years than you learning to adjust my life to the disorder rather than the disorder adjusting to how I want it to behave. Take life one step at a time and things always work out.

  10. Hey wasn’t you that girl uhmm what is her name…. right Super Megan, Yeah you are.
    It sound contradicting. Deep breath long and slow in and out. close eyes just think of breath.
    Love the poem. and I get it. Stay strong you. keep that chin up. And keep smiling.
    Remember make that blanket with Chester smell try it 😉

    1. 🙂 Super Megan is kind of coming back, but slowly. Chester does have a lovely, warm smell. I wish I could hold him most days, but then again i’d hate for other people to touch him and ruin that smell. I’m weird! 🙂

      1. Why weird. i still have the toy my Englih Bulll played with or slept with. I miss the bugger and on sad days it helps me. to regain strength. Weird no we not.. just trying to find a way to cope with very day

  11. I have the flu now and it isn’t too bad. Starting the Samboca Elderberry extract right away really helped my cough as I needed albuterol within the first few hours, then nothing after starting the Elderberry. Just remember there are great remedies if you do get it and your body is capable of fighting it. I read a study that stress is a POTENT immunosuppressant, so use abdominal breathing and relaxation techniques whenever a stressful thought hits you!

    1. I have heard that the flu isn’t quite as bad as years past. My stepfather and brother had it, but they just complained about the achiness and cough. Other people who have had it probably aren’t in the best of health to begin with, so that’s why they freak me out 😉 I hope you’re getting better!

  12. I just found your blog. I don’t deal with OCD, but I deal with a lot of other things, severe anxiety is one of them. I can relate to your poem. In some ways it is good to know that I am not the only one who deals with constant dread, worry, fear and the constant racing of the mind with thoughts that do nothing but cause pain. I wish you the best.

  13. That must be so hard 😦 At least you get some great poetry out of it though 🙂
    Hopefully everyone around you stops getting so sick soon so you can relax a little.

  14. You are most definitely not alone! Stay strong and resilient as always! Seriously, kudos to you for sticking it out, that takes so much strength (and energy like you said). Best wishes for better days ahead!

  15. I don’t have the panic the way you do, but the worry and washing I completely get and understand. I’m starting to think we (those of us suffering with OCD, anxiety …) are not necessarily the irrational ones.

  16. I can feel your anxieties Megan. I’m in the same boat. I’m emetophobic and I am so anxious all the time. I love your poem. And although this is so tough for you and I. We can’t give up our battles. We do have a life purpose, this is a test of our strength 🙂 it’s a hurdle (granted; a massive hurdle) we will climb it x

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