Grieving

Grandma and Rosie
Grandma and Rosie

Grief is a strange thing.  I wouldn’t describe it as totally a feeling of sadness, which in part it is, but it’s also a sense of anxiety as well as fear (maybe those two are about the same thing).  The sadness is because you will miss the person and probably because you aren’t sure what you said to them last or when you last saw them.  Anxiety is the not knowing what to expect now that the person is gone.  How will life be without them now?  Fear is similar to anxiety, but the fear is especially present the days before the final services when you are scared of facing those very difficult emotions with the rest of your family.  To me, it’s one of the worst feeling a human can endure.  It took me years to accept the death of my Grandma Rosemary and there really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.

On Wednesday night, my mom called to tell me that my Grandma Marilyn passed away sometime in her sleep the days before.  Her little heart just couldn’t go anymore.  Grandpa had been out of town for business and found her when he came home.  He always calls me as he passes by my city and the strange thing is that he told me that they were going to take grandma to see a specialist about a new heart valve in less than a week.  About 2 hours later, I got the call from my mother.

I left work early yesterday because I just couldn’t be there.  I was bombarded on Effbook by picture of my grandmother and I was texting and calling my family all morning.  I just needed to go home and be by myself.  I didn’t go to work today either.  This is hitting me pretty hard I suppose.

When I grieve, I clean.  Not just average cleaning either. Yesterday, I was cleaning very excessively.  There isn’t a spot in my house that’s not clean. I even washed my car, shined the tires, and waxed it.  I did the laundry and picked up some things at the store.  I even gave Chester a bath.  All of these things I did, I think, as a way to avoid addressing my feelings. I’d already cried more than a human should the night before.  Crying is good in some ways, but it hurts after awhile.  Plus, I’m a super ugly crier.  I look just like a really upset infant.

The excessive cleaning took it’s toll and I hurt my left wrist.  I can’t decide if it happened while I was viciously hand washing the car cleaning rags or when I was attacking a grease stain on the carpet from K’s bike escapades.

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K has been so supportive and loving.  I know it’s hard for someone who hasn’t lost a family member before to understand fully what it’s like to feel this way, but he’s doing his best and he knew my grandma and loved her too.

Chester is my living Kleenex.  I don’t blow my nose on him, obviously, but he curled up next to me and let me cry on him Wednesday night.  He has been especially sweet and hasn’t left my side for the past three days.  It is strange how animals can sense our grief, but it is extremely comforting.

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I love that fuzzball so much, even though this morning he left a hairball in the doorway.

I have these random spots throughout the day when something comes to mind about my grandma and I cry again.  She was a really funny, but gentle woman.  I will miss her so much.  She had a particular smell, a really soft and pretty smell, and I will miss that about her too.

I am not looking forward to the services tomorrow, but it will be good to get some closure.  I will try to be strong and do this.  As the Koreans say, Fighting!

Thanks for your kindness and support as always.

Megan

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139 thoughts on “Grieving

  1. I am so sorry for your loss Megan. You are so right about grief being a strange thing. Whenever I lose someone close to me, I’m always bombarded with a variety of feelings. But hopefully over time, things will get a bit easier and you’ll look back at the good times you shared and be so grateful for them.

    Keep your head up.

    xo

  2. So sorry for you loss Megan. Your grandma will live on in your heart with your memories of her. There is no timetable for grieving, it comes and goes. Just take one day at a time, you Chester and K to help get you through.

  3. My condolences on your loss. It’s a painful process we need to go through when a close family member passes on. Your wonderful memories will keep her alive in your heart. It will be of comfort to you.
    Blessings to you during this sad time.

  4. This is so truthful and sad. Life turns us sometimes and we have no idea which direction we are being led. Maintaining strength can seem hard but you will see the positive.

  5. This is so truthful and sad. Life turns us sometimes and we have no idea which direction we are being led. Maintaining strength can seem hard but you will see the positive.

  6. So sorry sweet Megan to hear of the loss of your grandmother. Glad you have sweet Chester to give you comfort and help you through the grief, those sweeties help more than they know don’t they? So sorry you hurt your wrist while cleaning. I know how the cleaning helps I also clean when grieving. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Warm, gentle hugs and nose kisses for you and Chester from me and mine!

  7. I’m so sorry I was absent around these times for you. I often have my own issues to keep me occupied but I honestly haven’t been around wordpress at all and I feel like I should have. At the very least, I am happy that you have so much support, regardless of myself. I’m always around for a chat if you ever need to and I am fairly certain you are already aware of that. I suppose it’s just super nice of a feeling to be reminded. ❤

    1. Don’t be sorry 🙂 It means a lot to me to have someone like you thinking about me allll the way across the world. My family and I are all going through the same feelings right now, so it’s good to have them to talk to constantly about grandma. Chester makes a good tissue and pillow when I need it 🙂

      1. I can’t wait to meet you all. I have a strong feeling that I will eventually make the trip if you guys don’t end up getting to visit here before then.

  8. I’m glad I caught this, to know the tender parts of your journey, M. My condolences and I hope your heart has been a little less heavy. And I have to add – you’re funny. “Fighting!” Gosh, you really are more Korean than I am.

    Xxxx
    D.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, D. It means a lot to me.

      haha! I love that 🙂 I forgot I even wrote “fighting.” K doesn’t actually say it all that much, but I see it all the time on Korean reality shows.

      1. My son started speaking Korean after watching Tayo the little bus (has replaced Pororo in Korea, I learned). I haven’t been able to find the rest of the DVD set. We have Part 1. I realize yOU might know how the hec we can get it! Ebay is offering a sale on the whole set. We don’t want dupe.

      2. I don’t know if you speak Korean or not, but we get a lot of our TV shows from kiwidisc dot com. I can’t read Korean well enough to navigate it, but K does. Other than that, I only see the Ebay listings too.

  9. Just read this Megan and wanted to offer my belated condolences. I believe that no matter how old or sick a person is we are just never ready. My Dad is almost 98 and I know I will be devastated beyond belief when something happens to him. Although it is a part of life that we must accept it doesn’t make it any easier. You will, however, always have your memories they are precious. I thought it was so funny when you referred to Chester as your Kleenex as my beloved cat Dennis has let me cry into his fur as he patiently lets me cuddle him during some of my darkest moments. These little furballs as such gifts from God. xo

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and it’s so true, we’re never ready to lose someone who’s been in our lives from the beginning. It’s so difficult to let them go. Your father has lived a ripe old age and I admire that. The only thing that should matter is that he knows you love him and that he loves you. Having this knowledge, for me, is a great comfort when someone passes. I had closure with that with both my grandmothers and it helps with the passing so much. Dennis sounds like a precious furbaby. I’m glad you have your kitties to cuddle with too 🙂

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