One of My Pet Peeves

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Here’s a picture of my latest creation, a flower pot pattern courtesy of lionbrand.com.  Honestly, it’s not my favorite, but oh well.  You can’t win them all.  

I was reading an article today and something popped into mind.  This is one of my biggest pet peeves, by the way.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked “So, when will you two tie the knot?” or maybe, “Have you set a date yet?” or my personal favorite, “Where’s the ring?”  I have literally been asked all of these things and more by many people.  I know no one is trying to make me feel bad and are genuinely curious.  Actually, I don’t always know that.  Some of them may be trying to make me feel bad.  It usually follows when someone asks how long we’ve been together (for the record is 6 years going on 7).

In my opinion, relationships shouldn’t concern anyone except those in them.  I don’t think it’s anyone’s business other than my own and K’s if or when we will get married.  It’s almost as bad as asking a married couple, “when will you have kids?”  It’s insensitive and there may be things that you don’t know that is hindering the couple from marrying or having kids.

I just want to set the record straight, for myself at least.  It is not yet possible for us to get married.  I’m not sure how long it will be or if we ever really decide to go through with it.  There are many complications that are preventing us from taking that step.  First being that we are an international couple and deciding on getting a green card or becoming a citizen (to either’s country) is always on our minds.  K’s family is not supportive of our relationship and I know how difficult that is on him and me.  We just don’t want to deal with that amount of stress right now in our lives.  I’d rather just not deal with the fighting for now.

Another big one is finances.  Marriage ain’t cheap!  Holy cow, everything is so expensive for weddings.  We’re just not in a place right now that we can financially afford it.  Not to mention, we’ll probably have to have two weddings, one in the US and one in Korea.  That I’m not really looking forward to.

It’s not like we haven’t thought about it. We’ve thought about it A LOT and have decided that we’re not in the right place or time to get married.  One day, maybe. We’ll see 😀

Huh, thanks for letting me get that out there!

Megan

 

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52 thoughts on “One of My Pet Peeves

  1. Those are girl conversations.

    That kind of talk would probably disappear if women would just stop asking those questions of one another.

    “SOOOO!! When’s the big DAY!?”

    Pfffft. Do you think a guy would ever ask another guy that question? Not without getting punched. Hey, there’s an idea! Punch the next person who asks!

    Oh, and you should also elope. “Fantasy Weddings” cost a ton, but heading to the Justice of the Peace? You pay for your piece of paper and that’s that.

    Where’s “K” from? He’s the visitor, right?

    1. I would say 9 out of 10 ppl asking are women, but the other person is my dad 😉 I would love to do some punching every now and then. I’ve never punched anyone. I wonder what it’s like…

      I once heard someone say they were giving their boyfriend of 2 years an ultimatum: if he didn’t propose by their 2 year anniversary, she was breaking up with him. *barf*!

      Yes, K is the visitor 🙂 He’s from Seoul, South Korea. He’s working on his doctorate right now and that’s why he’s currently here, if not for me.

  2. Hi Megan, I wonder if sometimes people just think that marriage is the true sign of love and happiness. That they want that same happiness for you is why they ask you the big question.
    When I came out as gay, cousins said that explained why, as I was such a nice guy, I was still single.
    Of course it was not being gay that was my obstacle, it was the undiagnosed BiPolar that has prevented me from forming a loving and lasting relationship. The delusions and the psychosis getting in the way. The obsession with sex overriding any form of settling down.
    Perhaps it’s simply that our friends and family do not understanding the way our thoughts are adversely affected by our illness.

    1. You put this so well. I think it’s just that others don’t or can’t understand what we are going through. There’s much more than money and love involved, it’s a personal choice and taking care of one’s welfare before moving onto that of another person. I hope that made sense.

  3. This is also one of my pet peeves.
    We got married after an engagement (just shy of 5 years), you can imagine, I think, just how many times I heard this question.

    I don’t know why it’s considered ‘okay’ to ask presumptuous questions about what people are going to do with their lives.
    In our culture it is often assumed that relationships will follow the same line of “progress”, and any time someone deviates from those assumed norms it’s considered okay to question them about it and demand why they aren’t normal.
    Yet they’d be horrified if the opposite happened, if someone asked “why would you ever bother getting married” in answer to someone getting engaged. *That* is acknowledged as rude. (Which it is, but so is asking when someone is going to get married, get a boyfriend, have kids, move in, move out, et cetera.)

    Honestly I wish I knew a way to prevent people from asking those kinds of questions.
    Definitely do what is right for you and K, and only make choices you want to, even if there’s pressure from friends and family.
    You’ve got my sympathy on this one.

  4. What a deeply personal (and completely innapropriate) question for people to be asking! I’m sorry to hear you’re getting pressure. It’s amazing the things people think they ought to be privy to isn’t it?

  5. Hi Megan,

    My sister has been with her partner/bf for 16 years. Many years ago she wanted to marry and he wasn’t ready. Then I suppose life just keeps going and they go with it. Makes no difference to them now. I was married for 16 years and left my ex early last year. So see, does not matter! It’s up to you and those around you should respect that. It must be hard enough with your partners parents not wanting you to marry.

    Missed blogging and are glad to be back reading your posts.
    Take care of you, Paula xxxxx

    1. I’m so glad to hear from you Paula 🙂 I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for sharing the story about your sister and her partner. I really think marriage is overrated sometimes and it’s clearly not for everyone!

  6. That’s a very cute creation! 🙂

    I hear your frustration. As part of a non-traditional couple I used to hear that a lot. I think that part of the problem is that everyone takes the ‘relationship escalator’ as the *only* way to do things. Once I realised that there was a term (and that I could get off) it became much easier 🙂

  7. When I was with my ex we got engaged pretty quickly but then never did any planning towards getting married. I was getting a bit fed up of being asked those kinds of questions because I just didn’t have the answer to them. One day at a family party one of my Mum’s friends asked me when we were going to get married “because that biological clock of yours must be ticking away…” I was pretty irked.

    In the end he turned out not to be the right man for me and we split after 6 years together. I then met the right man and we also got engaged pretty early but actually properly planned and did our wedding on a shoestring budget – eBay was my friend. I made my own flower arrangement – a new dress made for me via eBay at a fraction of the price of most dresses and had the family do the catering (including me making a bunch of stuff for it) I used cashback sites when buying things for the wedding and non-wedding stuff and used the cashback to get stuff for the wedding – like champagne etc. We hired a local village hall for our reception and had our wedding on a weekday morning as it was cheaper – and hired out an oak barn at a local arboretum. It was all lovely and cost so much less than most weddings.

    Now we are married and if anyone in the family has a baby I have to put up with the ‘It’ll be you next!’ comments. I hate them. At the moment I really don’t want to have kids – I am a stepmother to my husband’s little boy and that is enough for me at the moment. We live in a one bed house so he stays in our bed when he comes over and we sleep on the sofa bed. So we just don’t have the room to have kids of our own anyway. I had my brother telling me I should stop being so practical and just have a kid as it was the best thing that had ever happened to him (he now has two.) I wanted to scream at him!

    Do things in your own time, don’t worry about anyone else or what they think – it’s between you and K.

    1. OMG! Just ignored them… Either they don’t realize that many people have different lives or they just want you to be miserable (like they probably are in some respects). Do what the two of you want. I think your answer should be a solid: “When we feel like it.” and that’s all they need to know. They will drive themselves nuts trying to figure out if you are fighting and getting a divorce soon. It will keep them busy.

  8. I hate to say it, but most people ask “when are you getting married?” cuz their dying to ask “when are you having kids?” ! I have no idea why people have such an interest in this, but I assume it’s because misery loves company (haha, just kidding!). You just do what is right for the two of you. Period. btw: I love that flower pot-it’s adorable!

  9. While I am a fan of marriage (though I don’t even have a boyfriend) I’m also a fan of, “Hey, it’s my business, not yours. If I want to make it your business, then I’ll start the conversation.”

    Either way, I’m glad that you and K are at least on the same page about this. I’ve watched couples have all kinds of fights because one wanted one thing and another the complete opposite. The most important thing is having communication and you and K sound like you’ve got that down.

    And good luck with his family, even when the other side likes you it’s tough to find a good balance in a relationship with them.

    Also, that’s awesome that K is working on his doctorate! Those things take a lot of work to even reach let alone work on.

  10. Our daughter is going through the same thing with her long term boyfriend. I try to avoid the subject because I know she is getting enough of the pesky questions from others. You’re right, it is only between the two of you–and Chester, of course.

    1. I think my mom has been aware of it and she’s never been one of the culprits. It’s good to have mom’s support on things like this and I’m sure your daughter appreciates it 🙂

  11. As you said – it’s between the two of you as to if you will, and when. Forward calls to me; I’ll sort them out. 🙂
    Very sorry about your loss, by the way.

  12. Very well said, marriage is an enormous step emotionally and financially and not something to take lightly. There is no hurry to get married, if ever, because when all of the hype of a ceremony is over, it’s still just the two of you battling the world in economically hard times. Be there for each other every day no matter what, it’s not the piece of paper but the emotion commitment that make a couple. Love you both.

  13. Lovely flowers and, yes, annoying questions. My husband and I get flack for not having children. We have our reasons and I feel like saying MYOB as we used to say as children.

  14. I too like the pot with flowers. I have never been able to get my attempts even. Good job! And thanks for the reminder that some things are personal. People can be so nosey!

  15. How strange that I happened to click on this blog precisely TODAY?! My partner and I have been together for ten years. We’ve never seriously discussed getting married until today!!!

    We got engaged 2004, and immediately people started asking «Have you set a date yet?» Not so much lately … it’s been such a long time, and the other question about having kids, is out of the picture [age], thankfully.

    In our case, I’m the expat.

    1. I’m very glad to hear from you! Thanks for sharing your story. How fun is that, that you found my blog today and saw this particular post. I’m sorry you have to hear those stupid questions all the time as well. I know it can’t be easy!

      1. Yup! After 10+ years, now it’s gonna happen…
        At least I haven’t had to deal with all those ‘when are you going to have children’ questions.

  16. You are right that it is only business between the two of you.
    I know some very happy people who dated and/or lived together for 10 years. My daughter did that. They married over 1 1/2 years ago when they were ready and are very solid and happy.
    I also know some people married well over 20 years who are…um…not so happy.
    Scott

    1. Very true Scott! I know those types of people too. I think everyone should just mind their own business when it comes to relationships 🙂 I hope you’re doing well and that this IN humidity is better up north 🙂

  17. Gah! That’s so true! And then when/if you get married, they WILL ask you when you’ll breed, and when/if you breed, they’ll ask you when you’ll be breeding again. If you admit you only want one, they’ll tell you how spoiled and or lonely it will be. If you get pregnant a third time, they will then start with the, “Don’t you know how this happens?!?” comments, or “Jeez, how many are you gonna have!?” It’s absurd. I can’t imagine caring this much about anyone else’s life, especially a happy one!

    1. I’ve heard that! My coworker, who doesn’t want kids, got the marriage question for years, finally married after 8 years together, and now she’s constantly getting the kid question. To me that’s so rude because the couple may have problems having kids.

      1. Agreed! Or, if people say they don’t want children, then people think it’s insulting to their children. I just think people should be happy. I love happy people 😀

  18. It’s too bad that more people don’t think before they speak. I know it is a very common question both regarding marriage and children but it really is no ones business. I still remember people remarking about my fourth pregnancy with “really, you’re having another?” It drove me a little insane at the time. Everyone’s life is an intricate tapestry with so many nuances that it should never be boiled down to stupid questions that literally mean when are you going to conform to the old world way of thinking. You are actually putting some thought into your life and your relationship with K, not just blindly following the prescribed route of the past…good for you Megan!!!

    1. Very true, I think we’re all guilty of not thinking before speaking, but some are much more guilty than others. That must’ve been so hurtful when ppl asked about you having more children. How rude?! I commend anyone who is a mother or even who has the drive to be one, it’s just so difficult and not something I feel cut out for. Maybe one day. Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement 🙂

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