I’m Still Afraid Sometimes

Here are some pictures that remind me to be thankful for my life now and that I’ve actually grown up into a somewhat pretty woman.

I’m thankful for:

Me in hanbok
Having reasons to smile. (Me in hanbok)

These two funny guys
These two funny guys
My niece and I
My loving family.

Facebook is kind of stupid. No, it’s really stupid. I use it now to keep in touch with my family and to have laughs with my coworkers and to run my blog’s page, but that’s really it. I enjoy using it for those reasons. What I despise is the fact that any old clown can create a profile, which means that ANY OLD CLOWN CAN CREATE A PROFILE. I remember back when it was only being used by college students. You had to have an .edu address just to sign up.  Now, even my great aunt is using it.

With this “social media” tool, we have access to information on millions of people from all over the world. Today, for whatever reason, I searched the name of the idiot who changed me forever by invading my comfort and confidence in people. The 17-year-old me still remembers when the 46-year-old him chose to be a disgusting, deceiving adult to an innocent, wide-eyed, insecure adolescent.

Seven years later I still think of him and what his life is like now, which occasionally leads me to Googling or searching for him on Fbook. Today is the first time in years that I actually found him. No idea why he’s just popping up now, but I found him.  Stupid old man with his stupid, pretend happy life. His stupid gray hair.  I hope his life sucks.  Even thinking about what he did to me makes me irrationally scared. I can’t even bring myself to express the details of what happened because I’m still ashamed and scared.  If I were to see him today, which is likely since apparently he comes to my city often to visit his stepdaughter, then I would probably cry, hide, or yell angrily at him.  Maybe I could extort money from him. Hmm? haha! I kid, but he does deserve that.

I’m so thankful for my life now and the safety I feel with K and the love I have for him and my kitty. Anyway, my parents would probably band together and murder this man if he were to ever do anything to me again.

He doesn’t deserve this post, but it’s not for him, it’s for me. I need to express for my own sake that it wasn’t my fault and he was the adult making that stupid decision, affecting my life more than he knows.

I love you K and Chester and of course mom, dad, and Ash.

Hope your day is lovely. It’s actually cold outside! 😦

Megan

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49 thoughts on “I’m Still Afraid Sometimes

  1. You should never be ashamed of what someone did to you. It certainly wasn’t your fault. He was the adult, so regardless of the situation he’s the one held accountable. I’m sorry that this man hurt you. I’ve been there myself. It’s hard when you’re placed with people you’re supposed to be able to trust, only for them to turn around and hurt you.

    As for looking people up from our past, many would probably say that we should just let it go and they’re probably right. But, I sometimes do the same thing. Every few months I check out the FB page of my controlling ex who I now have a restraining order on. I’m not even sure why exactly. I think it’s simple because he effected my life so deeply. Anyway, hi! I’ve missed soooo many of your posts, so I was thrilled to see this one so I could comment on it. 🙂

  2. when the days are cold
    and the cards all fold
    and the saints we see
    are all made of gold
    – imagine dragons (bored with it now.)

  3. Like you I use fb as a link to my children and a few good friends. Other than that it has little appeal and it sometimes reminds me of high school cliques, which I was not a fan of. Let this go, imagine him flying away to neverland or something.. Yes, you are a pretty girl with two handsome guys in your life…

  4. wow; meg….. truly – so many folks on this planet are not anything but crazy! so, glad u are not one of em 🙂 4 me staying off the booze keeps me pert sane :)… Keep on Keepin on , my best 2 u an urs 🙂 Q

  5. You’re right. It’s not your fault. And before long, you won’t even have to tell yourself that because knowing it will be just as normal as breathing… you just know it without having to think about it or remember it. Good for you for being brave. And good for you for finding good things in life 🙂

  6. awwww you’re inspiring me! It’s not worth thinking about negative things in past, think about the future with K and your kittie and your family! You deserve to be happy, xx (-:

  7. I applaud your courage for voicing this. I’m sorry that he still exists to bring up old memories. I recently ran into one of my abusers (after 30 years) and I became that 16 year old again. So I know the power these monsters have, how the damage resurfaces in a flash. I’m so glad you’ve found true love ❤

  8. Awwwww! It’s good to hear you were able to overcome it and put it behind you. I think painful memories often have a trigger. Although at some point it becomes PTSD. I used to approach the world like everyone was honest, decent, and logically. Unfortunately that’s not the case. The majority of people i have met online have been nice, and some amazing. But there are also some really cruel people, and they hide behind the safety of their computer screens to spew out hate, blackmail, etc. I’m glad you are doing good, well good enough now. Not sure if one is ever doing great XD And that pic with your boyfriend and kitty is too cute :3 I have a pic of my boy kitty, Pumpkin, sleeping under the covers like that, lol.

    1. It’s definitely not the case. There are many good people in the world, but there are just as many who would easily do you harm. I’ve learned this the hard way a few times in my life. I hope you are doing well! It’s good to hear from you. Also, Pumpkin is a cute name for a cat!

  9. Not knowing the details of what happened between you and this man, I am regardless happy for you that you’ve got a place to express yourself and declare that it wasn’t your fault. From my own experiences, that’s a good place to reach.

  10. Hi, I’m a new reader, but you deserve all your happiness!
    In regards to what that old man did to you, I hope that you always remember everything in your life has led up to this moment now. So even though it was absolutely awful, it brought you to now. blogging, love with K, happiness, all that and I hope on bad days, all the love you have now is more than the pain from the past.
    Much love xoxo

  11. I’m glad you’ve found happiness with K and the kitty! Too many young women go through these types of situations and they have a devastating, life-long effect on us. I’m glad you’ve come through it. The healing process is continuous, but sounds like you’ve got it going on. 🙂 Thank you for sharing.

  12. The weather is gorgeous, I love cooler weather more since menopause, I’m forever a hot mamma, lol. Seriously, your father and I would never allow him to pester you again. We may not have made a good married couple but we are great as parents and only have one goal…our kids. Enjoy your day and remember how much you are loved, nothing else matters.

  13. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is
    needed to get set up? I’m assuming having a blog like yours
    would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100%
    positive. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Cheers

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