I am a very mean person when under stress. It’s like I take an elixir and my clothes burst off my body, only to reveal a hairy, inhuman monster that destroys everything and everyone in its path….
I exaggerate, but I do get quite aggressive and very grouchy when things don’t go my way or cause me stress. I. HATE. CHANGE.
Yesterday, I was having a pretty good day, nothing out of the ordinary. I came into work half an hour early and, therefore, could leave half an hour early. I was excited to get home earlier than expected and to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes, which due to my need to have everything clean and organized when I cook, takes me forever to prepare. When I cook, I have to make sure that I leave no dirty dishes sitting while things are cooking, so I clean and cook at the same time. It takes a while, but it leaves no mess in the end and that gives me less stress.
Anyway, I go home early thinking I’m going to have all this time to prepare for dinner and when I open the door, which is unlocked, I find the maintenance man in our kitchen. I totally forgot I put in a repair request for our refrigerator, which was leaking a profuse amount of water. My heart sank as I saw the disaster in my kitchen: the floor filthy, the contents of my fridge strewn about the counters, and this strange man standing there causing the mess. 😡
Everyday when I get home, my blood sugar is low and so I eat a quick snack before cooking so I don’t pass out. Well, he blocked my pantry and I was too awkward to say anything, so I went to my couch, sat down, a frightened cat staring at me, and got on my laptop and just surfed, all while shaking from a need to eat something. I had to keep myself busy because it was so awkward to have him in there. Chester eventually retreated to the bedroom to lay on my clothes which were strewn on the bed.
He was taking forever and I just wanted to cook, but now I would have to clean my kitchen before I could do so. He was there for half an hour. I was so irritated. He must’ve had a cold or something too because he kept breathing really loudly and sniffling. I was getting even more irritated because now I was going to have to thoroughly disinfect my home so that K and I didn’t catch whatever this dude had. His huffing and puffing was beyond annoying. I was fuming. K came home and the guy left shortly after and I assumed he fixed our fridge. I didn’t talk to him.
When he left, I got to work cleaning. My floor was filthy. I just cleaned the day before!!! My plans were ruined and that made me angry, uncomfortable, and stressed. I do not like people in my house making a mess! I do not like non-family in my house period. Of course K was “scared” of me because I was angrily cleaning the kitchen, clenching my jaw and moving about expressionless. I feel bad for him because it’s not directed toward him, but he was in my path of destruction.
This is what it’s like to feel that everything must be in order before you can do an activity. This is a bit of what it’s like in the life of someone with an anxiety disorder. What might not be so stressful for someone else is anxiety-inducing for me. My story is probably slightly exaggerated and it wasn’t as bad as it might sound, but this is how I tell my story, through my stress-induced, adrenaline filled eyes.
If you have any experiences of your own or questions, please send your comments my way through the contact form below or by posting a comment to this page. I’d love to hear from you!
All the best,