It seems right now that the only two things keeping me sane are my cat and crochet. I hate to be a whiner, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Having an irrational fear of something that is “natural” is probably one of the worst mental things I go through. I’ve mentioned before that I have a phobia of the “v-word” aka, when people “get sick.” Formally, it’s called emetephobia. It’s what fuels my OCD. I literally constantly worry and think about it. In the winter time, take this irrational fear and multiply it at least tenfold. I’ve read on emet forums that many people struggle with winter time because of the rise in illness. I’ve had a few, what I call, “incidents” and they’ve really set me back anxiety-wise. The most recent was about a week ago. I’m still not able to talk about it without having traumatic flashbacks to what I saw, which then makes me really, really anxious and depressed.
My brother’s graduation was this past weekend and I almost couldn’t go. I was just about at the end of my rope, but I did it. I went, sat in that gymnasium full of people, went out to eat afterward, and then shopping at a very busy mall. I’m glad I did it. I think seeing my family and forcing myself to be in public helped. Sometimes it feels so much better, though, to be at home, cuddling my cat, or crocheting and watching re-runs of “The Office.”
During perhaps my worst moment in these last couple of weeks, I broke down and bought a Vogmask.
Sorry this picture is tilted weird. I couldn’t get it to rotate for whatever reason. You’ll notice that it’s flowery, microfiber, and washable. I haven’t used it yet, but it’s with me all the time just in case I’m feeling like I need to be away from grossness.
So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m better than I was last week, but still working through my issues, which will always be my issues. It sucks being this way and I wish everyday of my life that I wasn’t this way, but sometimes, and to reference that old cliche, you just have to play the hand you have been dealt.